Last Will & Testament, and Transfer of Debt
From the Desk of: Crypt, Candle, & Crooked LLC Attorneys at Law (Probate & Poltergeists)
To: The "Ungrateful Wretches" (Beneficiaries)Re: The Estate of Postmaster Wilfred Kettleman (Deceased)
Dear Gruyère twins and unfortuate grandchildren,
I am writing to inform you that my client, your grandfather, has successfully shuffled off this mortal coil. He passed peacefully in his sleep, smiling at the thought of the administrative nightmare he was about to unleash upon you.
As per the "Spite Clause" of his Last Will and Testament, he has bypassed the usual inheritance of gold or property. Instead, he has bequeathed to you the entirety of the Sewer Spirits Postal Service.
He explicitly requested I transcribe his final words for this moment:
"If you are reading this, I am dead. Good. I assume you are all standing around my desk looking for the money. There is no money. There is only the debt, the damp, and the rats.
I built this post office from nothing, and I’ll be damned if I let it die with me. It’s your problem now. Don't sell it -- I put a hex on the deed. If you sell, the building explodes. Good luck with the sorting machine; I never did figure out why it growls."
Assets Transferred:
Liabilities Transferred:
Enclosed are the keys. Try not to lose them; the locksmith was the first one the machine ate.
Regards, Barnaby B. Bitterscript Esq.
Salutations and Condolences, here is your new home!
Your grandfather selfish(less?)ly took the time to give you a rundown of each room in the will, so have a look around and get aquainted. What are you going to rip out, what are you going to install?Meet your new staff!
They're all expecting you. Cant say they're "excited" to meet you, cus lying would be a sin and I already have enough to account for down under - pops
M41LB0T (MailBot)
Now, you take a gander at young M41Lb0t. I have never in all my years seen a pile of tin and wires with such impeccable manners. He is a strange one, to be sure. He does not blink, he does not sleep, and he just stands there humming to himself when the shop is quiet. But you ask him to file a report? He will have it done in triplicate before you can sneeze, and he will bow while handing it to you. He is almost too professional, if you ask me. Makes the rest of us look like slackers. But he is a good lad. Just do not ask him to drink tea with you. It makes a terrible mess of his gears.
Michael Snr
And then there is Michael Snr. Don't ask me who Michael Junior is, because I haven't got a clue. This big ball of fluff just wandered in off the street one rainy Tuesday and decided he owned the joint. Look at that face - looks like he ran headfirst into a parked carriage, poor thing. I tried putting him out the back door three times, but he just sits there staring at you until you feel guilty for breathing. He earns his keep, though; haven't seen a rat near the grain sacks since he claimed his spot on the rug. I suppose he can stay. cat foods in the second office for him. he only eats the posh stuff.The Oracle
"Watch where you’re putting your boots, love. That down there? That’s Oracle. Aye, the floorboards. Don’t look at me like I’ve lost my marbles, the wood listens. It creaks when the postman’s coming and groans when the tax collector is a mile out. Best alarm system I ever bought, even if I didn’t buy it. It’s got a temper, though. If you spill your tea, it’ll warp right up and trip you flat on your face, so show a little respect. And don’t whisper secrets in the corner; the whole shop will know by lunchtime."So, What Do You Actually Do?
Right, wipe that glazed look off your face. Just because I have shuffled off this mortal coil does not mean you get to slack off. I expect standards to be maintained.The mail does not stop coming just because I am rotting in the ground. Sometimes a person walks in the front door. Usually? It is chaos. Expect some winged nuisance - pigeon, pygmy dragon, whatever vermin is migrating - to crash through the window. Or a letter will explode out of the fireplace. Do not let the soot settle on the rug; I cannot sweep it up anymore.
Do not just grab the pile! Let the tin can handle the paperwork. M41Lb0t will sort the mess and create the tickets because he loves administration almost as much as I loved not being dead. Once he tags it, your job is simple. You look at the ticket, you look at your route, and you poor sods get to deliver it. Get the package out of my shop before it starts glowing or leaking. If you burn this place down, I swear I will find a way to come back and haunt you.
Welcome to your new Job!
When grandpa passed, he left you the postal service, and the information contained in this pack. Consider this the "Primer" page to your new adventure!Open Tickets
TICKET #001
URGENT
The Screaming Parcel
Client: AnonymousObjective: Deliver to the Old Well before midnight. Hazard: Do not get wet. Do not feed after 11 PM.
This gave me plenty of cackles. However, I am so glad I am not the one inheriting anything here. xD
eee im glad it made you giggle! I was hoping i could convey the sassyness well enough lolol!
If I’m not revising, I’m probably rewriting a town for the third time.