So Close Yet So Far

The Butterfly Clown could hardly contain its excitement. It was Wednesday, and that meant they would be airing The Amazing Circus again, and more importantly, Freya would be watching. The Amazing Circus aired new episodes weekly on Wednesday evenings, and the Clown would surreptitiously show up in the backgrounds. So far only a few people had ever noticed, most assuming it was an easter egg left by one of the creators. There were a few hard core fans and streamers who had already made videos about it, theorizing with their watchers and giving the Clown access to a greater set of eyes. But no one had intrigued its curiosity more than Freya had.   Something was familiar about Freya, a 4 year old Dachshund who would watch every episode since the beginning. She had sat down for the first episode with drooping ears and a still tail, tears in her eyes. But as soon as the Clown had appeared onscreen her eyes lit up, her tail wagging faster and faster as the Clown flew through the airborne obstacle course, juggling balls all the while. Something about her made the Clown feel like it had known her once, but it did not remember anything of its life before the show.   All it remembered was a large crow giving it a look once over before calling out “CA-CAW!” and suddenly the Clown had woken up in the backstage of the circus, with white tassels hanging from the tips of its antennae, and the ringmaster had it start practicing right away.   The Clown’s thoughts and actions were not its own while in the show, nor could it speak. In every episode, the Clown wanted to fly out of the screen towards Freya, into the real world, but a script of the episode would play through its mind and its wings and limbs would stay their course, never deviating. Several weeks of episodes had gone on like this, and Freya would watch every one, and the Clown would act out its role in that episode, with its heart longing to reach out and talk to her. Maybe Freya knew who it was and where it had come from. But the writers of the show had spoken and there was no deviating from their word.   But today’s episode was different. Throughout each episode, it could still hear Freya and her parents talking from the other side of the screen, and it had learned that today was Freya’s birthday. Freya would cheer the Clown on as it tackled the airborne obstacle course in every episode, and it was determined to bring a smile to her face on her birthday too. And it did. The episode was full of scenes in the main stage area, with the airborne obstacle course fully setup for the Clown to fly through it all and ace it. But Freya had already been smiling wide when she had sat down to watch, with her hands hidden behind her back, and she had kept the facial expression and posture throughout.   The Clown was happy to see her smiling, and kept wondering what she was holding in her hands but not showing to the TV. As the show drew to a close and all the circus animals and ringmaster gathered in the center of the stage for a final bow, the Clown looked up to notice Freya walk up to the screen and the she held her hands out front. She was holding a plushie of it! She must have gotten it as a birthday present, it thought, before a sudden blink revealed a different world.         The Butterfly Clown stared in front at a TV screen where the show’s ending scene was playing. It watched as the Clown on the TV and the other characters bow to audio of a chorus of audience claps, with confetti and an orchestral score playing as well, and then the credits rolled. It tried to move its head to turn around or its wings to fly away, but nothing happened. Its was stuffed fully with cotton instead, and it could not even move its eyes to look around. But it could feel the air around it and the hands holding it up. The hands suddenly turned it and the Clown was now facing Freya, her head seeming much bigger now that she was closer than the TV screen. “Thanks Mom for giving me the Butterfly Clown. I love it!” as she turned it around again and showed it to her mother.   The Clown’s face was stuck, frozen in the same expression throughout, eyes wide open, mouth stretched in a wide smile. White tassels hung from the tips of its antennae, and it could feel its wings hanging from the back of its thorax. The wings were just stitched on however, with no muscles along the wing or at its base. The antennae were similarly stitched on to the top of its head, and it could not move them at all. They hung, bent down by the weight of the tassels.   It did not know what to think, as Mom put Freya to bed, with Freya hugging it tightly as she fell asleep. The Clown stared at the ceiling, unblinking, as the star and Moon stickers on the ceiling glowed in the dark, a light green aura filling the room after Mom turned off the lights and closed the door. This room would grow familiar to it over time as it ended up spending a lifetime there as Freya grew up.               The Butterfly Clown was sitting against the wall, alongside a bunch of other plushies. It had learned all their names over the years, as Freya played lots of pretend games with them. She did have a few favorites, chief amongst them being Mr Sharktopus (a shark with tentacles for fins) and Lady Mia (an old eagle wearing glasses) and of course the Clown itself. All 3 of them would be involved in almost every game, with one or two random plushies joining the party every now and then. As far as the Clown as could tell, no new toys had joined the collection since it had left the TV, but it could not be certain as it had no way of turning its head around to check. It had also tried to observe the other toys as closely as it could, but they all seemed to be as inanimate as it was. It could not tell if the other toys were simple toys or just as alive and stuck inside their plush bodies as it was.   Still Freya more than made up with all the games she arranged. The Clown’s favorites were Hospital (where Freya played the doctor and would do voices for all the plushies who were the patients) and Circus (where Freya would reenact various episodes of The Amazing Circus with her plushies as the characters, and the Clown would be able to fly again as Freya would hold it up in her hand and move it around in arcs and through hoops). But today Freya seemed to be in a calmer mood as she rushed in, picked up some of the plushies and placed them around a small round table, preparing for Tea Time.   Tiny cups and saucers were placed in front of everyone, and Freya proceeded to pour out tea for everyone from a small empty kettle. “Welcome, everyone! It’s so nice to see you all again. I want to hear all about what everyone got up to while I was gone to the surface!” she said in a posh Fountain accent after everyone’s cups were full. She then held Mr Sharktopus from his back as she mimed him speaking,   “Arrr, I want to tell ye of me travels. There I was, swimming in set with the ocean currents, when a great ship blocked out the sunlight from above and dropped anchor. A couple of submarines dislodged from the underside, filled with Luminaries encroaching our waters, but then the mighty Wave Cleaners showed up, armed with missiles, which they fired on the submarines and blew them up. The chain holding the anchor was sliced clean through by a saw shark, and the ship quickly left those waters behind. Good riddance, I say.” Mr Sharktopus went through his tale in a breeze, and he was huffing and puffing by the end of it.   “Oh, that sounded dangerous. I am just glad you are safe and with us. What about you, Lady Mia?” and then she picked Mia up.   “Why, thanks for asking! I just flew over to Eden to visit my grandkids. We had tea and biscuits there as well, and then my great grandchildren plucked me away to play Charades with them. I got a chance to play a ballerina again in one of the rounds. It was a fun time seeing them again, they are growing up so fast“ she drawled and then wiped her eyes with one of her wings.   “Sounds lovely. What about you, Butterfly Clown?” then she picked it up and flapped its wings before miming its voice.   “Oh it was the usual. I practiced my flights through the courses in the circus, and almost beat my record of 9.6 seconds around the whole lap. So close, yet so far. I will go back to practicing again after this party and a bit of rest” it spoke, and then it flew about in the air as Freya picked it up and did an arc before flying back down to its seat.   “Nice work. I hope you keep getting better at it too.” Freya replied and then looked to the next participant, only to see everyone else had done their rounds and it was now her turn. The expression on her face dipped into a frown as she went quiet. A silent minutes passed before she sighed and then shuffled around on her seat a bit while ruffling her feathers, before she spoke again.   “Oh, looks like its my turn again. You know I have been to the surface lately where I go to school.”   Her ears droop and she looks down with, her smile clouding over with a frown. She huddles against her knees, with her palms resting on top of them as she starts speaking. “It’s lonely up there now. Taslima taught us addition and subtraction today, and she told us a story about The Three Horses and The Wild Witch today, before letting us go play. But there was no one next to me. The seat was empty, its seat. It never came today, just like it didn’t come yesterday. It has not shown up for weeks now.” she buried her face in her knees as the tears started to flow. The Clown could only listen, as its haunting sense of familiarity rose.   She whimpered for a bit before drawing up her face again and drying the tears, and then continued. “Taslima sat with me and showed me her crocheting. She was making a nightcap and she asked me to help as we slowly looped all the threads together. The ball of yarn got smaller and smaller, and she talked about the cotton wool making up the yarn and where it comes from. Right before Mom came to pick me up, she gave me a hug and said ‘Sorry that Mustafa is not here. It’s not fair, but it’s out of our hands.’ She had said it before, Mom did too, ever since Mustafa disappeared. I don’t think we will ever see it again, it’s not fair.” She got up and picked the plushies up one by one. Mr Sharktopus, Lady Mia and then the Butterfly Clown and laid down in bed, hugging all 3 of them as she closed her eyes.   The Clown was not sure what to think or say. Something about the name Mustafa was hauntingly familiar, but no matter how hard it concentrated it could not find anything in its mostly empty memories, nothing past the crow. The haunting “CA-CAW” kept playing over and over in its head.         The years passed. Freya grew taller and taller until she towered over them all. The tips of her ears would be flicked by the lintel of the doorway as she would enter and leave her room now, and she was only 15. And she would go through that doorway often, not just because it was her room. Her collection of plushies and toys had only grown larger, and she always wanted to involve as many of them as she could. There were larger dolls such as Sir Giraffe, a knightly giraffe in shining armor, and T424 the mech built out of tiny bricks which Freya would often reassemble into different shapes. But throughout it all, she never forgot about the old guard of Sharktopus, Mia and the Butterfly Clown, always telling all of them about her adventures before tucking in each night.   The Butterfly Clown was angry and resentful at first, cursing the Crow to oblivion constantly for leaving it stuck as a plush this whole time, but its anger did not last long with Freya spending so much time with it. Sometimes it felt like going back to the days of being alive in the TV, when it would only practice for the circus and perform for the crowd, but then it would not be with Freya. While the Butterfly Clown’s inability to move did put a damper on its mood from time to time, Freya’s smile would always bring it back up. Freya had also stopped talking about Mustafa altogether after the initial few months, and with no one saying its old name any longer the Butterfly Clown had slowly started to forget its past life.   Freya had also started bringing in friends for sleepovers and playing together. Anika, a komodo who always wore shades (even indoors) and Natsume a crab who had painted their claws pink and would bring a book to every sleepover. Freya had brought them in one day and introduced the dolls to them, and all three had sat around the table together playing Tea Time.         Freya was 22 now, and gathering up her items. The house was busy with all the hustle and bustle, as Anika, Natsume and Freya’s mother helped move Freya’s stuff out. She was moving topside to stay with Anika and Natsume where they would have their next set of adventures. And the Butterfly Clown was preparing to part ways.   The collection of toys and dolls had shrunk over the last couple of years. Freya had slowly stopped playing with them, focusing on her friends and studies instead, and she had started giving the toys away one by one. Her more recent toys had gone first, leaving the old guard behind to hold the fort together. It was only Mr Sharktopus and Lady Mia left now, alongside the Butterfly Clown, and the Clown was sure today would be their last day together with Freya. Despite not playing, Freya would still cuddle one or two of them in bed with her every night, and she had spent the last few nights telling them all about the kids who would inherit them.   But the Butterfly Clown did not really hear any of it. It could not remember a time before Freya, whether as a doll or as a person, and it could not fathom a future without her. It could only watch as their group shrunk, one toy after another, until it was only the 3 favorites left. It tried its hardest to enjoy the cuddles and talks it got from Freya, as she would still tell them all about everything every night. About all the stuff she kept learning about the topside and the outer world. About her friends Anika and Natsume who seemed to share everything with her and back. About where the rest of the toys went as she gave them away. But regardless, it was too soon before Freya put the 3 of them in a box after her bed got moved out.   Freya watched the people helped move the bed away, a wistful look in her face. Then she dropped down and looked at her 3 favorites for a while. Anika suddenly appeared, hovering over her shoulder, “You good, love?”   “Uhh… yeah I am. It’s just I think I am ready… but I’m not sure I am either. They have been with me since forever…” she replied slowly.   “Well, whatever you do, it’s up to you. We’ll be here.” Anika said and brushed Freya’s ears before picking up another box and going out.   Freya heaved a deep sigh and then picked up the Butterfly Clown, holding it up to her. She looked at it for a bit, the Clown staring back at her. She spoke, “I have had you for so long. You reminded me so much of someone I knew, someone I missed a lot, and it came back to me in the process. I cannot thank you enough for that,” and she wiped some tears from her eyes before continuing.   “But… I am going away now, and I won’t be able to play with you as much anymore. I have found an op shop where I can give you a chance to make another kid’s life as special as you did mine. I can’t thank you enough, and I will miss you.” She hugged it one more time before dropping it onto a waiting chuck-out box held up by Natsume. Natsume had walked up to her side silently and stood quietly waiting with the box while Freya had talked to the Butterfly Clown. Freya gave a similar talk to Mr Sharktopus and Lady Mia as well before dropping them both next to the Butterfly Clown and then Natsume took them away.         They were outside now, in boxes in the front yard of the house. People were bustling about, moving furniture and bags into a van, preparing for Freya moving away. Freya herself was still inside, and no one had yet loaded up the box where the Butterfly Clown was in with the other dolls. The Butterfly Clown itself was numb, insensate, staring up into the sky, unthinking. After 14 years of being a doll and being so close to Freya, it had no more thoughts left to spare for what could be next. It simply felt fulfilled. It heaved a sigh of contentment in its head, its physical body being incapable of movement to reflect that. I think I am done now, it thought to itself.   At that exact moment, a large crow flew overhead. It circled the house a couple of times before descending straight into the box, and grasping the Butterfly Clown, one claw on each wing of the Clown. The crow picked up the Clown and flew away, with no one noticing. The Butterfly Clown could only watch as the ground got further and further away, before everything went dark, and then it was like a locked box opening deep in the centre of its brain and memories flew out. Memories from before the crow. Memories of a name and of being a Butterfly without white tassels hanging from its antennae. Memories of playing with a Border Collie at school. Of getting enveloped into storm and everything going dark.