Convoy Mark VII
'sup, Steadies? Your homegirl Charlie here with a sponsored vid this time! That's right, I've finally made it to the big leagues! Told you I could do it, ma, thanks for your support. And aunt Laura, eat shit. I'm just kidding there, I don't have an aunt Laura. But I do have naysayers in my extended family. They know who they are... Suck on it!
Ahem. That about completes my profanity quotum for this vid, I know I know, booooring, but this is meant to be a neat advertisement after all and that comes with acting like a grown-up. Two swears down, one left if I want to keep my PG Rating. Let me savor it for just the right moment...
So! What is the sponsorship about? Well, some of you might have heard already... Drum roll... The latest Convoy! That's right, your homegirl here got to ride on board of a Convo Mark VII, already used by the science bros for the past two years or so, and now finally available for us 'Steadies to buy! At last, we plebs can cook in safety while on a fishing trip. But let's face it, we all know you just buy a fish and then shoot the breeze, before pretending you worked hard. That's right, I'm onto you!
Where was I. Right! Cooking! You see, the Mark VII is equipped with an incredible air cleansing system. Its built-in kitchen also has a marvelous hood, which sucks all smells away before you even realize they're there! Don't have to change your clothing after cooking, and you still get to attend potlucks! Sniff... I'm okay, I'm okay.
Now, I do note that legally they still advice changing outfits after cooking, while in the airlock. That's right, it has an airlock! Ahem. So, legal statement. Do change your clothing just to be on the safe side, and consider a hairnet, but at least you don't have to scrub completely after every dinner. Remember, change your outfit. Don't get me in trouble, pleaaaase?
So. Airlock! The ultimate protection to prevent you from releasing all those delicious smells, and at the same time the best way to keep those annoying Black Lung spores off your suit. It sterilizes, freshens things up, and of course it has an emergency override that involves pure mechanics. So even if the systems take a beating, you can always just enter or exit if you really have to. Safety first, second, and fourth! I forget what they said came third... Oh right, swear-word safety. Nice try, su-. They almost had me. Now you might be thinking, cooking? Is that it? Is that the big selling point? First of all, shut it. Cooking matters. If you're out on a hunt for days on end, eating dry rations because you can't afford to have your prey and predators sniff you out, you'll be begging for the chance to cook a fresh meal in my fancy new truck! And you won't be getting it... That will teach you to ban me from the potlucks! Hah! So. Second. It's not just cooking. It's safety. Take down a prey and bring it into the truck to bleed it out in a sterile environment. Gather those lovely berries and keep them in a safe spot. Sleep in a safe environment where predators won't catch your scent from klicks away. You can transport cargo without having to worry about attracting attention, as this baby is as quiet as it is scentless. Its batteries reload fast, but even under a dark cloud you can go for days! Okay, that's a bit exaggerated. The official numbers are that it can last 25 hours on a full charge at normal speed. But I can tell you, that's a careful number. And it charges very well, so even if it's a bit cloudy, you can drive on forever. Unless, of course, you drain the battery with crazy driving antics. Guess who ran a car dry? Hm? Hmmm? Guess who? Yes, I'm grinning like a madwoman. That's right, I did! Because this baby. Can. Ride! Like greased lightning! Again. Legal disclaimer. There is both an emergency fuel cell and an emergency-emergency gas tank. Also a high-powered emergency beacon with its own battery. So don't worry about getting stuck with a dead engine, the Mark VII is equipped with everything you need to survive if you fuck up. Sh-! Da-. I used my third swear. Sniff... I was holding onto that. Give me a moment, please...
I'm back! And so is my new car! Just stood charging for a bit, and it's already full again! If you're worried about running it dry, don't. Seriously. I drove the thing like a bat out of hell, through a forest with rain clouds above, and it still lasted me for hours! I think I saw Tauri flee from me, thinking I was some kind of Ursa stampede. Taures? Tauruses? I need to look that up. Ahem. Anyway! So, did I miss anything... Let me just talk accessories! Eight-wheel drive, automatic chain-deployment when needed, run-flat tires which still absorb a heck of a shock, winches for pulling things out of mud or obstacles out of the way. High-armor, capable of resisting a claw or two. Don't just take my word for it, they did simulations! Detailed numbers in their own public sales pitch, I'm not touching that kinda legal detail here... Oh, and speaking of dealing with Ursas, the thing has armory compartments! That's right, you can prep your guns from the inside, then take them out from the outside. These airlock-compartments are for easy transfer of objects in and out, so also for other stuff than guns, but let's face it, we're all going to use them for guns. And maybe a sandwich. Oh, and yes, it has a turret. Y'know, in case you need a reaaaally big gun. Oh! I forgot! The color scheme! That's right, it's a boring style, but that's because it's Ymir-camo-chic! You know, the whole 'this looks like the same color to us, but the critters see this as a dazzling flow of stripes and dots and whatnot'. Optimal camo, inspired by the Battle Spear uniforms! So you can drive a truck and pretend to be a superpowered mech pilot! Ain't that great? So go out and pre-order your Mark VII today, using my associate code CharlieTheSuperMecha, and you'll get a free choice of fancy upholstery included! And with that last promo pitch, since I already ran out of swears, this is your homegirl Charlie, clocking off! Time to drive this baby around for hours again...
As always, find your relevant guide links here, here, and here. Remember to like and subscribe, and until next time, homesteadies!
So. Airlock! The ultimate protection to prevent you from releasing all those delicious smells, and at the same time the best way to keep those annoying Black Lung spores off your suit. It sterilizes, freshens things up, and of course it has an emergency override that involves pure mechanics. So even if the systems take a beating, you can always just enter or exit if you really have to. Safety first, second, and fourth! I forget what they said came third... Oh right, swear-word safety. Nice try, su-. They almost had me. Now you might be thinking, cooking? Is that it? Is that the big selling point? First of all, shut it. Cooking matters. If you're out on a hunt for days on end, eating dry rations because you can't afford to have your prey and predators sniff you out, you'll be begging for the chance to cook a fresh meal in my fancy new truck! And you won't be getting it... That will teach you to ban me from the potlucks! Hah! So. Second. It's not just cooking. It's safety. Take down a prey and bring it into the truck to bleed it out in a sterile environment. Gather those lovely berries and keep them in a safe spot. Sleep in a safe environment where predators won't catch your scent from klicks away. You can transport cargo without having to worry about attracting attention, as this baby is as quiet as it is scentless. Its batteries reload fast, but even under a dark cloud you can go for days! Okay, that's a bit exaggerated. The official numbers are that it can last 25 hours on a full charge at normal speed. But I can tell you, that's a careful number. And it charges very well, so even if it's a bit cloudy, you can drive on forever. Unless, of course, you drain the battery with crazy driving antics. Guess who ran a car dry? Hm? Hmmm? Guess who? Yes, I'm grinning like a madwoman. That's right, I did! Because this baby. Can. Ride! Like greased lightning! Again. Legal disclaimer. There is both an emergency fuel cell and an emergency-emergency gas tank. Also a high-powered emergency beacon with its own battery. So don't worry about getting stuck with a dead engine, the Mark VII is equipped with everything you need to survive if you fuck up. Sh-! Da-. I used my third swear. Sniff... I was holding onto that. Give me a moment, please...
I'm back! And so is my new car! Just stood charging for a bit, and it's already full again! If you're worried about running it dry, don't. Seriously. I drove the thing like a bat out of hell, through a forest with rain clouds above, and it still lasted me for hours! I think I saw Tauri flee from me, thinking I was some kind of Ursa stampede. Taures? Tauruses? I need to look that up. Ahem. Anyway! So, did I miss anything... Let me just talk accessories! Eight-wheel drive, automatic chain-deployment when needed, run-flat tires which still absorb a heck of a shock, winches for pulling things out of mud or obstacles out of the way. High-armor, capable of resisting a claw or two. Don't just take my word for it, they did simulations! Detailed numbers in their own public sales pitch, I'm not touching that kinda legal detail here... Oh, and speaking of dealing with Ursas, the thing has armory compartments! That's right, you can prep your guns from the inside, then take them out from the outside. These airlock-compartments are for easy transfer of objects in and out, so also for other stuff than guns, but let's face it, we're all going to use them for guns. And maybe a sandwich. Oh, and yes, it has a turret. Y'know, in case you need a reaaaally big gun. Oh! I forgot! The color scheme! That's right, it's a boring style, but that's because it's Ymir-camo-chic! You know, the whole 'this looks like the same color to us, but the critters see this as a dazzling flow of stripes and dots and whatnot'. Optimal camo, inspired by the Battle Spear uniforms! So you can drive a truck and pretend to be a superpowered mech pilot! Ain't that great? So go out and pre-order your Mark VII today, using my associate code CharlieTheSuperMecha, and you'll get a free choice of fancy upholstery included! And with that last promo pitch, since I already ran out of swears, this is your homegirl Charlie, clocking off! Time to drive this baby around for hours again...
As always, find your relevant guide links here, here, and here. Remember to like and subscribe, and until next time, homesteadies!
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