Lily

Liliscea sits against the wall as everyone else crowds around the newly resurrected Xylund, sixth cigarette that day alone dangling from her lips, and she thinks about what an utterly terrible day it's been.   Damned sadistic Queens, damned noble prats, damned busybody castle, damned smug and insufferable mind reader....oops, did she hear that just now? Hope she doesn't stick her sword in my face again....I don't exactly have the energy left to even try to fight back...though is it weird that as insufferable and arrogant as she is, I still like her? I mean she is helping when she doesn't have to, even if she's abrasive as hell about it. Still though, this day...at this point I'm not sure any of us are coming out of this alive. Liliscea scratches at the mudcolored skin on her legs. Sure Xylund came back in the end, but Kern still died, the noble prat, forcing us all to watch him drown. Then Xylund, who's just as bad as Kern decides he wants to also be a noble prat and sacrifice himself for Kern! Madness! What is wrong with these people?! I get it, I do, at this point I would consider them dear to me, even with their outrageous suspicion of me earlier, and I have to admit I was tempted....but I couldn't do that to Lana, and...well it wouldn't just affect me now would it? None of them seemed to have thought about it did they? What their noble sacrifice would do to the rest of us. Not only the trauma of losing someone we care about, of watching them die in front of our eyes, but did they even stop to think of what would happen outside of that? How many times has Kern had to save our lives when a battle has gone horribly wrong? How many times has Xylund pulled our asses out of the fire with one of his mad genius ideas?! What, were we supposed to go and fight Temlakos with one of them gone? Were we supposed to expect to survive that without one of them? If the grief didn't distract us and get us killed, not having their insanely powerful abilities to keep us on our feet and keep the enemies attention off of us would have done it...especially with how exhausted I am...Liliscea's eyes droop for a moment, before jerking back to wakefulness. She checks that her magic is still up and running, before breathing a sigh of relief. I'm tapped. I don't have that many spells left in me, which makes me largely useless, and all my alchemists fire and acid were in that bag that the DAMNED INTERFERING CASTE MADE ME LEAVE BEHIND.   Liliscea falls for a moment into a memory of that moment, not even half an hour past, that moment of realization, that she was powerless. That she had to give in to the whims of an inanimate structure. That she had to leave behind one of the only things she was able to accomplish under her own merit, out of her own desire, and not some insane, crushing responsibility. The betrayal, the humiliation, being dragged around the room trashing illusions in the vain hope that she wouldn't have to do what she was afraid she'd have to. Useless in the end, the sheer impotent rage flooding through her as she threw the bag into the room.   Temlakos.... it's all his damn fault. These are his machinations I'm sure. As for Katt, I might like and somewhat respect her(I at least definitely respect her ability to kill me.), but the nerve she had..."You want this, you think you need this, and the castle is giving you what you think you want, to be here, stuck. This is all trash, and unless you accept that, you'll sit here until you die, a statue..." All of them, calling it a crutch, calling it trash, like it's useless, like it's so much GARBAGE, WHAT THE HELL DO THEY KNOW! A CRUTCH?! I've never heard so much inane, uninformed, CONDESCENDING, EGOTISTICAL TRASH IN ALL MY LIFE. Liliscea's eyes darken and she absentmindedly crushes the remains of her cigarette between her fingers, she notices, and cursing to herself, lights another one. I get that they care, and they meant well...but they don't know me, nor do they know my life. Acting like they did...yes it got me out of that room...but a crutch? No, Alchemy is my trade, my profession, it's the work I can actually take pride in, it doesn't leave me feeling like I'm betraying my mothers memory every time I use it. Of course they didn't notice that my sister of all people didn't weigh in on that conversation. Sometimes I think that Lana doesn't really see me, but I often forget she's more perceptive than I give her credit for...she knew the truth. She couldn't say anything because she also knew we had to play this castles game...Alchemy makes sense to me. It's all actions and reactions, and knowing what actions to take to get the desired reactions. It's hard work, research and an ungodly amount of time, but it's worth the effort you put into it. It doesn't solve everything, but if you're clever, and can think outside the box, the applications are incredible. Calling Alchemy my crutch is like calling Kern's connection with Inelene a crutch, or my sister's ability with music and people a crutch. Or Davynn's love of Jack Dangerous and always wanting to help people, and do the right thing a crutch. It's a part of me, it's something I put the time, and effort into and got damned good at it. I desperately wanted to find another way not because that kit was irreplaceable. Everything in there I can replace...even easily. It wasn't even because I had come to rely on it so much I couldn't let it go. That's insanity, like I said I can replace that kit easily, and it's not like it got much use here in this castle(though there were a few times that it was incredibly useful, and Kern saying that he could easily get rid of his mace..I'd like for him to think about that, abandoning his mace in a castle trying to kill us. Even if he could do that, as paranoid as he is, that's just dangerous. Obviously.) No. The reason I was so loathe to do it, the reason I was and still am so angry, is because a damned CASLTE had the temerity to JUDGE my life and tell me that this is my crutch! I didn't want to let that bag go, because I didn't want to let this damned castle win! How the hell is all I want to be trapped in a room of illusions, stuck as a statue for eternity, when all I wanted right then was blow that entire damned room to kingdom come for patronizing me like that. I need Alchemy?! NO. I don't need anything but my sister, whole, healthy, and alive. Do I love Alchemy? YES. It makes far more sense than people do.   Ugh....my familiar died, Katt nearly managed to kill me, two noble self sacrificing idiots broke my damned heart, not to mention Davynn and my sister(Mooshnik seemed fairly ambivalent to all of it). Then they had the nerve to judge each other for it, like it's fine if they do it, but heaven forbid that someone else puts them through that pain. Then I get told that I'm overly reliant on my passion, in an unintentionally patronizing and condescending manner, lose my tools, get judged by a castle, and my legs are still MADE OF STONE. Apparently I didn't fully understand the lesson. Hah! I'll take that as a victory you damned hunk of rock! I think this is the first time that I'll take pride in that.   Oh... it looks like we're moving again...Liliscea tiredly pushes herself to her feet, and hobbles her way behind the party in silence, more than content to be ignored for the moment. OH AND I'M SIXTEEN AGAIN, THANKS FOR THAT YOU DECREPIT RUIN.

I can't remember what it's like to not be tired, or injured anymore....   I see Katt raise her hand, I see her finger point at me, I know I should probably get out of the way, move, do something.....but....I'm just so tired....I can't seem to muster the desire to even just get off my knees so I can die with dignity. I don't even have the energy to panic anymore... My head is foggy, my thoughts are sluggish, and I can't remember why I I've been trying so hard...it all seems so useless now. I just saw Vera explode, we've been trapped in this hell for....has it really been less than a day? I don't know how we can even get out of this. It seems I won't anyways. I see her eyes flash for a moment, I can feel something lance into my mind, digging deep trying to unmake it in it's entirety. Well that just won't do. Kill me if you must, but leave my mind to me! Who am I without my mind? If my mind is destroyed can I honestly say I even existed? I summon up the last dredges of my will power that I thought all but spent and manage to force that lance out....but that's all I have....there's nothing left....and...the damage..is...already...Liliscea slumps forward, collapsing against the ground, unmoving, and all but dead.   She's sitting in the kitchen watching her mother scribble something in her notebook, fierce concentration on her face, there are so many ribbons and other marks in the pages that the book looks like an aborted attempt at a maypole. She doesn't know where her sister is, but that's fine, her sister prefers the outdoors anyway. She runs to her room and grabs her own journal, a perfect replica of her mothers, if only less worn, with fewer ribbons, she runs back to the table and begins scribbling in her own notebook. Her scibbles don't say anything, and her ink runs all over the page, but that's alright, she wants to be just like her mother. A few minutes pass this way before her mother glances up, see's what she's doing, and a wry smile spreads across her mothers face, eyes filled with warmth, her mother reaches out and threads her fingers through her hair. She looks up, beaming at her mother, showing her the super detailed notes and theories, and doodles of world breaking discoveries. Her mother laughs, and with a voice warm with love and delight asks her "And how is my little researcher doing today? Are you changing the world?" She nods rapidly, her hair spilling into her face, she impatiently shoves it back before replying "Uh-huh! I'm gonna discover how to put happiness in a box, so that way if anyone is feeling sad, they can just open the box and be happy again!" Her mother smiles at her, "Oh my that's an ambitious goal!" Her mother picks her up out of her chair, paying no mind to her squeals as she sets her on her lap, "It's so big I think your brain might be overheating!" Her eyes go wide, now that her mother mentioned it, she did feel a little warm "Oh no! Can it be fixed?!" She really hopes so, she's not sure what happens to an overheated brain, but it sounds like it would hurt, "Of course Lily-flower! We'll just have to get you some ice cream to cool you off!" With that her mother stands up, keeping her in her arms, and walks outside into the sunshine, "Lana! Time for some ice cream!" She hears a giggle coming from the bushes, and her sister explodes out tackling her mother in a hug, "Carry me too Mummy!" Her mother laughs before swooping down to collect her sister, "Oof, you two are getting heavy, I won't be able to carry you around much longer" Both sisters giggle at their mother, sure that nothing will ever change, and their mother will always be there to carry them.   It should be raining. It doesn't seem right that the weather is so bright and cheerful. Her mother's gone. Never coming back, and it should be raining. Her sister is quiet, subdued and withdrawn. She'd been like that ever since the accident. Looking at her sister, she has no idea what to do now. How can they move forward, how can they survive, how are they supposed to live without their mother? The sun mocks her with it's warmth, the birds laughing at her pain with their cheerful song. She wishes it was raining.   She rubs her eyes tiredly, slowly realizing that her candle has almost burned out. She sighs, candles are expensive, and they need to save their money for food, and she can't believe she wasted another one. All for nothing. None of these books have an answer...of course they don't, all the ones that would have likely been burned by now. All but her mothers journal, and she can't even read most of it. She can hear her sister snoring in one of the beds, she lets her sleep, her sister has been a godsend, keeping them together, keeping them fed and clothed, her music the only reason they had this room in the first place. She stretches, and contemplates just going to bed when a sliver of light shines through the window. She squints outside only to realize the sun is coming up...another night spent working....but what else can she do? There has to be an answer, she's just not smart enough to think of it, so she has to spend all her time looking. She pulls another book towards her, resigning herself to a sleepless night when a fluffy white cat jumps on the table and sitting on her newly opened book, staring at her with exasperation and judgement in her eyes. "Alright Nadali, if you're going to nag me about it I can get some sleep..." The cat twitches, and glares at her reproachfully. "What? What else would you call it? You and my sister conspiring against me like you do, trying to distract me from my work." The cat just lays down on the book facing away from her. "Fine! Sulk away if you want, let's see how long that lasts when you're hungry!" She hears a snort behind her. "Arguing with your cat again sister? I'm not sure that'll accomplish much of anything" Her sisters eyes look up at her, laughing in amusement. "Ugh.....whatever, let's just go get breakfast..."   Her new friends are talking to Katt, but she's not sure what they're saying, she just saw, no felt Vera die, their connection snapping with all the abruptness of an arrow to the gut, and she would know, she's suffered that particular pain before. She's staring blankly at the point where Vera was, wondering why, why she seems to be doomed to suffer so. And she's tired of it, she's tired of being tired, she's tired of being hurt. She just wants to sleep and cry, and...and...she wants her mother....she wants her mother to hold her like she used to, and whisper that it would be alright, that this too shall pass...but that won't happen anymore, that will never happen again, that comfort is forever lost to her. A voice cuts through the fog. "Why are you even trying? You can't save anyone you care about, you'll only fail!" She flinches, the words sinking deep into her head, burrowing there like an insidious parasite, slowly consuming her thoughts. Katt's right isn't she? She knows better than anyone that you can't save anyone, that they'll just die on you, and leave you alone. She's tried to save those she cares about, and look at what she's accomplished: Nothing. Not a damn thing to show for her efforts, for her sacrifices. Fighting begins, and before it's over she feels pain arc through her head, like every nerve has been lit on fire, and she just wants the pain to stop, she just wants it all to stop....so she does, "Sorry sister....I'm so sorry...."   Consciousness returns to me just as abruptly as it left, I wonder if I'm dead until I try to sit up and realize that my ribs are still broken....so probably not. I see most of my compatriots standing around the slumped and unconscious form of Katt....guess we won....and what a Pyrrhic victory it is. All of us are barely standing, and I don't know how we're going to survive Temlakos...short answer, we're not....at least not all of us. I push myself to my feet, and a calm certainty falls over my mind. Maybe we can't save anyone we care about, and maybe we're all going to die sooner rather than later....but....but I will not surrender my last gasp in this world until I have unleashed every frustration, every regret, and every pain I have onto Temlakos....and I will do my best to not give him the satisfaction of my death, for my sisters sake if nothing else. I limp forward, I look at my sister, the one who's been with me through everything life has thrown at me, who somehow after everything still manages to keep a smile on her face, and laughter in her heart...I was a fool to go so long pushing her away. I know that there is no guruantee that we'll survive this, and I don't want to regret anything. I don't want to die and the last thing I felt towards her was anger, and her last memory of me to be my silence. I step up next to her, nudge her with my shoulder and give my best attempt at a smile with the energy left to me. Her eyebrow raises and a spark of laughter appears in her eyes again, so I guess it wasn't a very good attempt. No matter, I just want us to be sisters again, to be close again. I want her to survive this and be happy, and if my poor attempt at smiling can bring a smile to her face? Well I think that's worth it.

This has been an absolutely fantastic day. Liliscea sprints after her sister and Davynn, thankful for her foresight in casting Truesight....even if she's not using it for the purpose in which she cast it. She's tired, sore, bleeding, and still has three blisters on her feet. I think it might be four now... As she runs she's keeping her hand over her stomach where the fae bear's claws split her stomach open, trying to make sure nothing important spills out. Stupid fae godling, stupid forest rot, stupid pirates wrecking our ship, stupid stupid stupid! Liliscea realized that maybe she was whining, that she was being petulant but she also acknowledges that she's had a very rough day, and so maybe she's earned the right to be a bit childish at the moment. The party is separated, my sister and Davynn are going deeper into the woods that just nearly killed us all, and like an idiot, I'm following them. But what was she supposed to do? Sure she's been trying to give her sister (her twin) some space, and sure she's been trying to step back and let her sister find her own solution, but this is still Lanathea, and no matter what she will not let her sister dive into this danger without her. Well....supposing that...no best not to think it. This is your sister, and she's the only one you got. She knew the fae were dangerous, she knew that this was going to go poorly, but she for some unknown reason, decided not to prepare for it. Though what I could have done to prepare, I'm not sure... Honestly, Liliscea was getting a little tired of being so injured, she's a researcher for crying out loud, she's not made for all this nonsense! She knows that there's no point in thinking like this, she should just focus on keeping up with Lana, and then trying to regroup with everyone else after....but deep down, that traitorous thought persisted, no matter how much she tried to suppress it: Honestly life was easier as a cat...

Lili's journal is a mixture of every language she knows(which is a lot) with additional ciphers and shorthand she made just so that Lana can't sneak a peek at it(which she somehow manages to anyways)   Hey Journal....it's been a while. The reason being I was a cat; Not to mention all the craziness with Greyloch and Druid Circles, but that's beside the point. I have too many thoughts running through my head right now, spinning out of control and buzzing around uselessly. So I thought I'd write them down so I could get some clarity. Some perspective. I've added complexity to my cipher and added a few more languages to it so that my sister will hopefully be unable to decipher it this time and will not worry more than I can see she already does. My sister, who has gone through hell, getting me back. I can see it in her eyes even if she hides it well...I did that to her. Me. Sure there were probably other things as well, but...I never meant to cause her harm. Honestly, it warms me to the core to see how far she went for me, she even voluntarily underwent possession to help me and that...that's terrifying. Though the look on her and Davynn's face when I informed them that I remember everything I saw as a cat was very entertaining.   There's a lot we have to do now, or is it a little? There's no telling with the adventures these crazy people take us on(And I mean that most affectionately, they've grown on me Journal...like a tumor, but they've grown on me. I even missed them as well as Lana, imagine that). We have to remove this bell from this Druid Circle because...well I've seen that nothing good comes from messing with other planes, I've seen it first hand, and I don't want to see it again. Apparently, Badger wants it, probably to lock it away in the Bloodwell, which is good, that thing should be locked away, possibly destroyed, I'm not picky. I guess that these people have rubbed off on me, considering that's what they want to do with everything they come across, it seems.   These people....my friends.   I did miss them. Honestly, I did, and that baffles even me. I missed my sister more. My twin. My other half. While I was...feline in nature, it felt like there was a hole in my chest where she was supposed to be. I wonder if she felt the same? I...do not know if I want the answer to that. Even so, there's something I feel guilty over. Something I will bury deep inside, never to see the light of day. Because while I am grateful-so, so grateful-they found me, that they brought me back...Van Hyde was a balm to my worn soul. He was kind, and I haven't had much of that since my mother died. It was peaceful, in his lab, watching him work. He's brilliant at what he does, that's for sure. I learned a lot from watching him, reading his books. He was so very, very lonely too, no companionship to speak of, and he treated me well, even if I was a cat. Even if I couldn't do anything at all, he'd talk to me sometimes, almost as if he thought me a person, tell me his ideas, what he's working on. Is it wrong that a part of me wishes I could have stayed? I have been so tired, for so long, and...it was peaceful there. I'll probably never see him again, and if I do it won't be the same, but even if I'm glad to be back in my own body...a part of me will miss the time I played the role of a simple cat in a beautiful laboratory with a kind man.