Hailey Clements

Hi, and welcome to the UNW (Undeniably Nerdy Weirdos) profile on Hailey Clements, written by yours truly, the hotshot godkiller herself, the spectacular Hailey.   Before we get into the gloomy, dark and dreary details that brought me into this dope-ass life I lead, you’re probably wondering why I’m writing this. Well, the previous version of this thing made me out to look like some pitiful loony, but they didn’t even know which mental hospital I was registered at. So, here is all is from me. I’ll try to keep it short because imma get bored writing this before you get bored reading it.   Early Life (aka, Pre-Hero Life)   It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.   Just kidding, I don’t even know what that means, but I’ve heard people say it before and thought it would be cool to say (spoiler alert: it wasn’t).   I was born back on Earth and grew up there, but I don't remember much of it, so it feels like more of a fairy tale to me than anything else. I lived with an aunt and uncle who never told me about my parents. There was a time when I wanted to track down my parents, find out who they were and why they dropped me like a hot pot sticker, but I’ve abandoned that dream. I managed on my own and don’t need em anyways.   Earth, on the other hand, I became obsessed with. Alone on Gudrun, the vibrant life of Earth sparkled to me like one of my rocket launcher’s explosions. In the city, I fixed up a hole in the wall, hidden spot for myself where I collected old Earth junk I found wherever, fixing what I could.   At some point later I’m picked up by a street gang. We can skip most of this because I’ve forced most of all that out of my memory, but let’s just say that’s where I learned to steal, hack, and blow stuff up really well.     Present Life (aka Dope-ass Life)   So, I start doing jobs for the good guys right, not because it’s more righteous or anything, but because, frankly, they just have more money to pay. It’s mostly here and there stuff: go kill some wolf beatles, explore this place, track down this go, retrieve this cargo, etc etc.   I meet tons of awesome, and less than awesome, people, like a psychic doctor, a well groomed engineer, a guy who's what you get when you mix wizardry and cocaine, and a judge who clearly didn’t pass law school.   Somehow, through all of this, I end up getting wrapped into real hero work. It’s nice and fulfilling and all that warm fuzzy stuff I don't want to talk about.   Building stuff is cool, I do a lot of that, along my adventures, that. I’ve done everything from a droid named Peter Sparker (whose help I definitely, one hundred percent did not need getting into this database), a mech Shinji Ikari would be proud of, and PsikeTV.   Speaking of PsikeTV, it’s spelled with an “i”, not a “y”. You know who you are. Also, it’s my crowning achievement and let’s me work with more dough than an AI who runs a bakery. It’s my gift to culture on Gurdrun, and soon, beyond (thanks to a cute commie). Since “the Maze” took off, it’s kind of been a big deal.     Noteworthy Skills (aka da ting go skrrrat)   Now I get to brag about all the cool stuff I can do.   Firstly, I’m a good shot, be it with a pistol, a rocket, or a sniper rifle. I’ve got a plus four shoot skill, so I’m not just sayin that. Additionally, I’m just a good fighter in general. I mean, I haven’t died yet, right?   As previously mentioned, I can also build and fix stuff pretty well. Adding to the tech stuff, I can hack too, but I’ve got a guy for that now.   Lastly, I’m no diplomat, but I’ve got a way with words, if you couldn’t already tell. A silver tongue and...other assets let me work my way in or out of situations I shouldn't be in. You don’t become a planetwide star if you’ve got stage fright.   Enemies (aka I could’ve included this in present life but I wanna flex the cool baddies)   Don't worry guys, we’re near the end and this is gonna be a quick one.   So, people (mostly) that hate/are vanquished thanks to me are as follows:   There was this pair of giant lava worms an Tsatsos that I killed with just my words. True story, look it up.   Remember that psychic doctor I mentioned earlier? Well, she was like a sister to me, but then she went and did the good guys dirty so I went after her, fought her, and beat her, contrary to what my physician said.   You don’t get the title “Godkiller” for nothing. I killed the Still Lady, a god by the way, with basically no help. I tried to be nice and talk to her, but she insisted and brought the beatdown on herself.   Wow, I’ve got some strong female villains. Way to represent baddies.       And then there’s the tar boy. He’s not really a villain. I bugged him in his own home, so that’s on me.   And I’ll end it there ‘cus I’m getting bored.       ——————       Like I said, obviously none of them were able to defeat me, because I’m still here, writing this profile. Really, it’s work a brown-nosed UNW intern should be doing. But, here I am, anyways, because if you want something done right, you call me.