Lost
Everybody knows you shouldn't eat the food in Faerie. Most people don’t know why. But the Changelings do. When you eat the food of the Sidhe Courts, you get Lost. This is not a temporary condition of not knowing where you are - this is an existential state, in which you are no longer a complete person. You have lost yourself, and you may never be able to find what's missing again.
There are many ways to be Lost. Some people lose their memories entirely, while others find that what they recall has been hollowed out and doesn't mean anything to them. Most of the Lost struggle to keep track of time, or even things like their own names. It's not uncommon for them to simply choose whatever's in their line of sight when asked, which is why so many Changelings go by names like Peasblossom, Cobweb, or Moth. They are unmoored from the person they used to be, with no clear path toward filling the gaps in their soul.
Causes
The Sidhe Courts are notorious for stealing mortals who fascinate them, spiriting them away into Faerie. Once there, they offer food and drink to their captives - knowing full well the cost such victuals exact from the human soul. While the foolish or naive may accept a meal without hesitation, most refuse at first. But it's a rare soul who can resist hunger and thirst forever.
The Sidhe do not allow their guests to die of starvation - but they permit them to suffer from it. The pain wears down resistance, and eventually, desperation wins. A single bite is all it takes to begin the process of being Lost. And the first bite is never the last.
Symptoms
Being Lost means losing your grip on identity, your place in the world, and your connection to the people you once loved. The Lost are acutely aware of what they've lost - they experience a deep-seated longing for the person they used to be, and tell themselves stories about their past. But the stories are always changing, and the Lost cannot rely on them.
They feel a yearning for home that transcends mere homesickness, an emotion they call Homelorn - a grief for the place that fits into the shards of a broken soul and makes one whole again - if such a place even exists. Many Changelings develop a quasi-religious fixation on the concept of Home, and spend their days searching for the key to creating or discovering the strangely familiar place they've never been.
If they knew the way Home, they wouldn't be Lost.
The Lost have trouble with time. They often lose track of it, becoming absorbed in the details of a sunny sky and forgetting to eat, sleep, or work. Their memories are dim and shifting, and they frequently experience phenomena associated with unreliable memory and time perception: déjà vu, jamais vu, and presque vu. They also struggle to form emotional connections with others. Many of the Lost suffer from anxiety and paranoia - though this may be more accurately attributed to the abuse they endured at the hands of the Sidhe, rather than to the condition of being Lost itself.
Finally, the Lost cannot always trust their own perceptions. They sometimes catch glimpses of might-have-beens - brief flashes of the world as it might have been, had they never gone to Faerie. They can see ghosts and spirits, and often draw their attention without meaning to. At times, however, what they see is not a spirit at all, but a hallucination. The Lost are unusually sensitive to Magic - a mixed blessing. While it makes them more powerful than most thaumaturges with intact souls, it also leaves them vulnerable to being overwhelmed in places dense with enchantment.
Most of the Lost congregate in places they never visited before their time in Faerie. It is too painful to remain where they once lived - the constant dissonance between the strange and the familiar, the meaningful and the empty. They seek out others like themselves, who understand why a moonrise might make them sob until a passing cloud finally hides it. In these places, they often drift through life, trying to build or discover a space that doesn’t make them feel out of sync - trying to find themselves, whoever that may be.
I Can Dance, But Not With You
One of the stranger symptoms of being Lost is the inability to participate in many group activities. A Changeling can dance beautifully - but if they try to do so with a partner, it ends in disaster. They might be a gifted singer, but only when they sing alone. Even something as simple as walking beside someone can be a challenge - something about them prevents their stride from ever matching that of their companions, creating a sense of awkwardness or even hostility in those who are not Lost.
When the Lost see people acting in harmony, they perceive the interplay of identities - how a couple on the dance floor move as one, or how a group of friends share a single, unspoken rhythm. They can see it. But something within them cannot join it.
Who Helps the Lost?
Changelings are treated with suspicion and contempt in most parts of the Empire, and few are willing to lend a hand to one of the Lost in their time of need. In the absence of aid from the rest of society, Changelings have learned to help themselves.
The Marigold Society is a mutual aid organization where those Changelings who are better adjusted offer support and guidance to others still struggling with the condition of being Lost. You can read more about the Marigold Society here.
That's very creepy and atmospheric. The part where they drift through life, this is an amazing piece, Demon Grey, I loved it. There's so much, losing sense of one's self and being acutely aware of it, too.
Thanks!