Session 13: Reckless Giving

Journal of Artur of Wuit

Blunderwatch, Reckless Giving Festival

  It has been some time since I last took to ink and paper, but the events of the past few weeks demand recording, if only so that in the future I might look back and remember this extraordinary place—and the even more extraordinary company my sister has found.   When I arrived in Blunderwatch aboard the Squid Pro Quo, I did so under solemn purpose. Captain Tall Tail and the Union had mustered an expedition to break the burgeoning conspiracy of cheese smugglers, gamblers, and unsanctioned fortune tellers that had taken root here. I am pleased to report our efforts were wildly successful. Tall Tail personally led the charge, recovering a king's ransom of illicit cheese—some 4000 gold worth—from the bog, and rounding up the Lively Lads (including Theo and Ruben Cowl), the scheming cheesemonger Curd Cutter, Della Gragson (Theo's aunt and high roller at the notorious cheese roulette tables), Krotk Suiss (gnome courier and smuggler), Sister Juniper (an unlicensed practitioner of cheese divination), and the kingpin himself, Barty "The Big Cheese" Feldstein.   Charges included not only illegal gambling and smuggling, but also conspiracy to desert their Union posts and illegally adventure beyond the frontier. Maggie of the Treblemakers in particular was furious at the idea of anyone entering Wydegap Canyon without proper sanction—some old treaty was invoked, though the particulars remain obscure to me.   Tall Tail decided to remain in Blunderwatch to enjoy the Reckless Giving Festival before transporting the prisoners back for sentencing. I could not have asked for better fortune, for it gave me precious days to reunite with Nesa.   It was bittersweet news I carried: our elder brother—the heir to our house—has been kidnapped by agents of Sees. The marriage alliance they had so carefully brokered is in ruins. Father talks of war. I came to ask Nesa to return with me to Wuit, to lend her voice in counsel before Father commits us to bloodshed. To my relief, she agreed—but only after the festival concluded, and only with my promise that she could return to her companions afterward. I consented. How could I not, after seeing the strength and loyalty that bound her to her newfound friends, the so-called Treblemakers?   The festival itself was like nothing I have seen.   On the first day, Anonymous Gifting, the town exchanged ridiculous and charming presents. Derek received a goblet that produces a single spoonful of chocolate fondue per day. Nesa was gifted a three-foot-long glass banana that plays "Dayo" when exposed to sunlight. Josie, by far, received the most memorable gift: a taxidermied, enchanted donkey that swears loudly and frequently. (A note for future self: if ever asked, no, this town does not think before enchanting objects.) Gilly Greenthumb's gift—a magical Vulva Disengenuii, or "Cuntflower"—changed the town overnight, as the flower blooms explosively whenever vulgarity is uttered nearby. Josie mischievously placed her donkey at the Church of Charles, with predictable, hilarious consequences.   The second day's Chop for Charity had contestants destroying donated goods. Josie proved fierce, hacking through piles of shoes and stuffed chimeras. Nesa met her match in a stone wedding cake, and I found myself bested by a faerie-occupied dollhouse (truly, a cursed thing). In the end, Barney Blunderthump won, though Josie sorely coveted his prize: fingerless gloves inscribed with "chop this."   On the third day, at the Feast of Regrets, all the Treblemakers participated—whether cooking or judging. Derek presented a truly abominable Cricket Confit; Tich Tich brewed a moth soup of unsettling magical properties; Skreet offered ice cream from Elder Twist seeds. Even Grymwald's Infinite Egg could not defeat Tich Tich's creation, who won a cooking pot enchanted to imbue food with the restorative properties of a goodberry.   The fourth night was the Show Off Showdown, in which talents foreign to each participant were randomly assigned. Derek performed a rainy rendition of Singing in the Rain aided by his water weird intern. Skreet's avant-garde voguing captivated the crowd, but it was Nesa's baton-inflected juggling and Josie's death-defying unicycle acrobatics that stole the show. Josie was awarded the cursed trophy that now compels attention wherever she goes—an irony she seemed both pleased and overwhelmed by.   The festival culminated with the Gift Gauntlet, a brutal obstacle course of mud, flying projectiles, and illusory hazards. Maggie emerged victorious, delivering her gift to Captain Biff and earning the Ever Gifting Satchel. Notably, Josie abandoned the course early to perform a rather impressive (and muddy) show for her magically-mandated fan base.   Throughout the week, the Treblemakers exchanged many smaller gifts as well. Derek distributed Cuntflowers (they are now everywhere), Jarv offered curious magical trinkets (a matching earring for Skreet, a psychic mushroom for Josie, a shocking potato for Nesa, and more), and Maggie gifted each companion a "pledge" from her sorority to serve as a temporary intern. (Josie's attempt to eat her awakened Billy Bass remains one of the most alarming things I have ever witnessed.)   On the fourth night, divine retribution—or divine humor—struck when Charles of Charges himself smote the swearing donkey with lightning during a storm. The townsfolk deemed it an omen. Whether good or ill, they could not agree.   At last, with tears and many promises exchanged, Nesa boarded the Squid Pro Quo alongside me, leaving the Treblemakers behind—for now. I pray that our errand in Wuit will be brief, and that soon she may return to this raucous little town and the dear friends she has made here.   Blunderwatch may be small, may be absurd—but it is fiercely alive. I will not soon forget it.   —Artur of Wuit