Session 12: The Sunk Cheese Fallacy Report

Union Report on Cheese Smuggling & Disappearance of the "Lively Lads"

Filed by Lieutenant Krell Kroaker, Blunderwatch

Date: 8th of Trinkune, 1732

 

To: Captain Tall Tail, Enchantland Union Command

Cc: Office of Adventurer Oversight, Bureau of Internal Affairs, Cheese Crimes Division

 

SUBJECT: Final Report – Incident #CHE-113: Unauthorized Cheese Trafficking, Lively Lads Desertion, and Related Felonies

 

Overview:

Against all odds, the adventuring party provisionally known as the Treblemakers have managed to uncover and unravel a complex (albeit dairy-based) criminal conspiracy operating within Blunderwatch. Though their methods were chaotic, poorly documented, adjacent to illegal, and nearly always perpendicular to Union protocol, the results of their investigation cannot be ignored.   They apprehended the fugitives known as the Lively Lads, exposed a cheese-smuggling ring, infiltrated a culinary-themed gambling den, and provided actionable evidence implicating several town citizens, including one Curd Cutter, a cheese-monger of ill repute.   Let the record show, however, that this outcome appears to have been reached not through diligent investigation but through a string of impulsive decisions, wild speculation, and fortuitous luck. They still haven’t questioned Theo.  

Chronology & Findings:

  Initial Discovery – Bog Cheese Cache: The Treblemakers located and secured a stash of highly pungent, high-value cheese floating mysteriously in the swamp. This was not reported through proper channels at the time, and only became significant later.   Social Investigation – Missing Lads: During a local social gathering, the party canvassed attendees about the disappearance of the Lively Lads and Theo. No credible leads were established. Theories included:

1. Secret Union mission.
2. Promotion (clearly false).
3. Betrayal of the Union.
4. Cheese-induced madness (not entirely disprovable).

  Again, they did not question Theo, who had already been aprehended on suspicion of character and was being held within the keep.   Break-In – Lads’ Townhouse: Skreet broke into the Lads’ quarters and was promptly paralyzed by a trap for four hours. The break-in was unnecessary, as they had been given free access to the lads house by Captain Flannigan himself to uncover evidence of the Lads crimes. Skreet's disappearance over this time was considered "un-noteworthy" by his companions, as he quote "does this all the time." An empty chest (formerly cheese-bearing) and a ransacked house suggest the Lads either fled or were targeted—or both. Investigation here was speculative at best.   Cheesemonger Investigation: Tich Tich recognized the newly arrived cheesemonger, Curd, from when he saw him setting up shop. They accepted Curds invitation to a cheese club social event, despite having evidence of suspicious deliveries being made from his shop. Nesa stalked a local gnome courier, Krotk, who delivered cheese to “suspicious” residents (though most are simply lactose-inclined). Krotk’s evasiveness was noted but not pursued. Again—no report filed.

Days of Delays Several days passed where no investigation activity reportedly took place. Theo still remained in the keep, and yet they did not pursue him in a line of questioning.   Cheese Club Social (a.k.a. Cheese Casino Recon): Half the party infiltrated the party as wine-and-cheese enthusiasts. The other half broke into a building via the “put the door back on after you break it” method. This worked, somehow. They found evidence of gambling, although from their description of events I believe they did not practice proper evidence-handling.   Second Lads House Visit: Possibly drunk, they returned to the Lads’ residence and uncovered a false floorboard and a suspicious escape tunnel. The tunnel led to the sewers. Sensible protocol here would’ve been to notify Union guards. They entered the sewers alone the following day.   Sewer Search & Lively Lads Confrontation: After hours wandering the sewers, they located the Lads. Reuben Cowl, their de facto leader, begged for aid to escape into Wydegap Canyon. They refused. Josie initiated combat with a tactical groin-kick. The Lads were subdued in under 30 seconds—suggesting significant power disparity, which is now noted in their service records.   Tich Tich used a malfunctioning sending stone to alert me. I arrived with a squad and took custody of the Lads.   Conclusion – Arrival of Union Command: As fate would have it, Union officials arrived shortly after the Lads were secured. Captain Tall Tail and renowned adventurer Artur of Wuit were present. (Note: Artur referred to Nesa as “sister,” which may require investigation. Or a family reunion. Unclear.)   The Treblemakers presented a full list of names involved in the cheese gambling ring, and handed over the recovered illicit swamp cheese as evidence. Their testimony was erratic but ultimately coherent.  

Assessment:

  Let me be clear: this should not have worked.   They should not have found the cheese.
They should not have been invited to the cheese club.
They should not have infiltrated the sewer.
They should absolutely have talked to Theo.
  But against all reason, they brought down a criminal smuggling ring, apprehended the fugitives, and turned over a complete set of evidence corroborated by stink cheese and confessions. All persons named have, so far, been confirmed guilty through follow-up interrogation.   They are, without question, the most capable adventurers currently stationed at Blunderwatch—though this is damning praise, considering the rest of the fort consists mostly of people who think swords are used for gardening.   I recommend commendation for the successful operation, followed by formal training in procedure, debriefing, and remembering to interview obvious suspects.   Also: additional investigation is recommended into how the Lively Lads accumulated such debt, and what role, if any, Theo actually played. Perhaps if someone speaks to him.   Signed, Lieutenant Krell Softscale
Union of Adventurers – Blunderwatch