Session 01.5: The Teleporter Problem

Union Report: Incident 438-B

Filed by: Rannix Drelk, Commander, Gapward Outpost  

Subject: Josie and Tich Tich’s Teleporter Problem

  Let me start by saying this: Josie and Tich Tich are trouble wrapped in charm. They reported to me that it all started in Generia - they began it all with the kind of chaotic energy that leaves tavern owners counting their blessings or their losses. Josie, with her honeyed words and undeniable talent, convinced the grungy patrons of Fog ‘n’ Suds she was worth three nights of performances. She walked away with 50 gold pips and the admiration of the crowd. Inspired, Tich Tich fashioned her a collapsible lute—a clever little gadget with enchanted strings, though he admitted it wouldn’t last. Still, a sweet gesture.   Their trouble truly began in Generia’s Arcane Nexus, the teleportation hub that claims to make travel effortless. In theory. The pair’s confidence was, unsurprisingly, high. Josie played soothing music to calm the frayed nerves of fellow travelers, and Tich Tich, ever the entertainer, used a gizmo he called the “fart button” to amuse some children. It was going well—too well. They signed the standard waivers, acknowledging the risks of teleportation, but I doubt they gave them more than a passing glance.   Then came the jump to Abizma, which didn’t go as planned. Instead of arriving whole and hearty, they found themselves halfway stuck in the ethereal plane—not dead, but not exactly alive either. It was disorienting, but waiting for the technicians to sort things out was an option. A boring option, and one Josie and Tich Tich luckily ignored.   Enter Chris, also known as “Street Freak,” a man whose dubious claim to fame is talking to ghosts and whose dubious claim to sobriety is, well, nonexistent. Before finding him, our dynamic duo stumbled into a feud between two ghost gangs—the traditionalist Bluffs and the modernist Zooms. Naturally, this led to a dance-off because what else do rival ghost gangs do? Not like stabbing eachother would do much. Josie and Tich Tich threw themselves into the bizarre competition, dazzling the spectral audience with their moves. They defused the tension, but not without making a few ghostly admirers, who wanted them to join one of the gangs. They refused, or so Josie said, and I guess it put targets on their backs? Recruitment targets.   When they finally tracked down Chris, he was drunk and ranting about how the ghosts had ruined his “artistic integrity” with their incessant singing. He told them the only way to fix their predicament was to retrieve an ethereal crystal—a powerful artifact—from one of the gangs. Predictably, he recommended stealing from the Bluffs, describing the Zooms as “actually scary.” Josie and Tich Tich agreed, infiltrating the Bluffs’ headquarters in the Weeping Keep. The Bluffs, thinking they’d gained new recruits, gave them a grand tour of their favorite haunting spots, from the chain-rattling hall to the wailing banquet room. Tich Tich’s quick thinking—and some prestidigitation—impressed them enough as an example of "traditionalist haunting" to lower their guard. While the lights were out, Josie swiped the crystal from a punch bowl. A punch bowl. You can’t make this up.   With the crystal in hand, they returned to the Outpost, where Chris managed to weasel his way past my guards with a performance of his street magic. Even I'll admit it was kind of impressive. While Chris rambled about his grand plans to save the day, smashed the crystal against the Arch like a caveman, and waved his arms like an idiot, it was Tich Tich who quietly solved the problem. He powered up the damaged Arch and pulled them back to the material plane, earning my reluctant respect.   Josie and Tich Tich have since departed with this report for the Union and a few magical items as compensation. Their cohort should be arriving in Abizma shortly, and they will dismebark to Pine Hollow. As for Chris? I recommend the Union keeps a closer eye on him. His antics are entertaining, sure, but his usefulness is… questionable. Signed: Rannix Drelk, Commander, Gapward Outpost