Aporeu chronicles Issue 70: Pidgeons: the musical

The profanity in this one is strong, bat I have at least learned something. I hop that you as the reader do too.

Pidgeons: the musical by Lillith

Pigeons (the Musical) Story:   [Editor's Note: The rather large and imposing woman that delivered this story was nothing but joyful with the first story she brought to me. The fact that she was rather insistent I leave the profanity in this story, coupled with the fact that she had a sword that I'm pretty sure is bigger than some Dwarves I've seen. I decided to follow her advice. Parents: Please read this story in its entirety before you tell your children about it, or let them read it. You have been warned.]   The mission this time was to write a review about Pigeons, a city out in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere. Actually, I think Bumfuck, Nowhere would've been a more pleasant experience. I guess you can tell how I felt about this place. In case it wasn't clear: RILL BAGSTREETS IS A GODSDAMNED ASSHOLE. If anybody ever gets an invitation to go out into the Wastelands to the East: Don't go, unless it's to WIPE THAT SHITHOLE FROM THE FACE OF CHRONICLE. There. Now that I've got that off my chest, let's dive a bit deeper into why I feel the need to impress this message upon you beforehand, shall we?   I meet up early in the morning at the Guild Hall, with the 5 people that will be joining me on this mission. There is Fionna, the red-haired warrior. Ranra, the Dwarven woman that turned into a big spider-like thing. GnArt, who has no doubt been talking people's ears off wherever he goes. Idonis, the man I had a bit of trouble getting a read on. He. means well, I think. And last but not least: Effie, the golden-haired dancer.   We meet up with Lornan, who doesn't seem very excited about Rill, or the town of Pigeons. By the time of writing this, I can safely say that Lornan was positively ECSTATIC about Pigeons in comparison. We get one of the posters that'd been put up in town, in lieu of a ticket. We talk for a bit, but Lornan kindly asks us to vacate his office. Guess we kinda forgot he's got more work to do, too. Apologies, Lornan.   We discuss the idea of getting horses to shorten our travel time to Pigeons a bit, but considering we'd have to buy the animals and they'd most likely not survive. We decide to go on foot, instead. Which is fine, if slightly annoying. A little ways out into the Wasteland, we spot a cart that is slightly smoldering, and hear 2 voices. As we approach, the two men that were sifting through the remains get startled and try to run away. One of them, which we later learn was called 'Vic', gets beheaded by a bolt of magic. And the other, Erwin, drops to his ass and pisses himself at the sight. Can't really say I blame him for such a response, when his friend just got taken out like that.   Fionna manages to calm Erwin down some, and gives him a couple of gold pieces to start over in Arnheim. And he basically pledges his fealty to her on the spot. Kinda wonder if he'd have dropped to kiss her boots if we'd have let him. Anyway, I clean Erwin's little 'accident' up quickly, and Vic is given a pyre on the remains of the cart.   After that's taken care of, we march onward. A few hours later, we spot a road sign. That's not pointing along the actual road. Someone turned it to point away from the actual road. Towards an Orc encampment, as it turns out. How do I know? Because we went to check out this trap, like a bunch of idiots. I'm gonna have to speak up, instead of worrying about being a new Adventurer, in the future. Long story short: GnArt got us into the camp, with NO thought on how to get us OUT again. And it was only because Fionna is a fuckin' BADASS that we managed to walk out of there and even continue our mission.

To summarize: Orcs are dumb and easily impressed by feats of strength, and Fionna is apparently fireproof. Ask her about it if you wanna hear the full story, I'm sure she'd love to tell you about it. In the end, we get some tokens to show that we're friends of the clan, and have ourselves a Goblin without hands. I do hope Aetvir is able to help him with that. As we're leaving the camp, their leader asks us to 'flatten Pigeons', since it's a bad place. I figured it was because they kill Orcs and Goblins on sight. Which sounds reasonable, I suppose. But no, there was a VERY good reason for them to call Pigeons a 'bad place'.   Even with our detour into the Orc camp, we arrive in Pigeons. And we're only about 15 minutes late. Rill, the mayor, welcomes us, gives us a whirlwind tour of the town as we're led to a restaurant, and we're treated to a 'feast'. The food is not up to snuff. At the time, I thought it was because I'm trained by the finest cook in Jurassea. Turns out it was because Rill FUCKING POISONED US. And then he sings a gods-damned SONG about it, on stage!   I rid myself of the poison quickly, and when the people that were around turn into zombies and everybody attacks us. We make quick work of Rill and the zombies that ask us to please kill them. Which we do. They stop talking after Rill perishes, but they don't put up too much of a fight regardless.   It's quite late by the time we're done there, and since traveling the Wasteland at night is quite the risky endeavor. We cut a path through the zombies that are aimlessly wandering outside, and barricade ourselves inside the Inn. On top of that, we set some watches, but nothing happens during the actual night. Thankfully.   What did happen is MUCH worse. In the morning, we hear music and song coming from outside. Bagstreet's back, and he's not looking so hot. He's a sort of fuckin' ZOMBIE or something, and he's got a squad of undead assholes with him.   During the fuckfest of a fight that followed, there's a LOT of maggots coming our way, that apparently try to get inside you and start wreaking havoc. Idonis develops quite the understandable hatred of these things, and we all have a deep-seated hatred for the man responsible for this shitshow. I don't recall everything that happened in the chaos of battle right now, I just recall that Idonis channeled his hatred for Rill in the most epic way I've seen thus far. By sheathing his warhammer in radiant power and SPLATTERING Rill's head with a literal skull-crushing blow. And then doing it again and again and again, until we were 200% sure he was dead. Again.   After we clean up the rest of the undead fuckers that were trying to get at us, we torch Rill's body, alongside the entire town of Pigeons, before we head back to Arnheim. I repeat: If someone invites you out into the Wasteland to visit the town of Pigeons. Decline, inform someone of the Guild if you can. That place should never be visited by anybody unaware of the horrors it holds, ever again.   Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to scrub myself clean of the taint of that place, and make a proper feast to remind people that food is not something you fuck with. Honestly. Who poisons a feast for their guests? Someone that doesn't deserve to live and enjoy proper food, that's who.   Signed, Lilith of Jurassea.

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On the next issue:

Exploring the dark