A Day in the Life of Professor Nathaniel Coldheart

"AGH!! NO!! NOT THE BUTTERFLY PIT!!!! ANYTHING BUT THE BUTTERFLY PIT!!"

Wha-? Oh. Another nightmare. Seems like I've been having more and more of them lately. Especially about butterflies. Most people think those ridiculous insects are beautiful- HAH! Troublesome things that flit around my head and get stuck in my hair, that's what they are! Not to mention how many times they've gotten into my nasty machines! If I had a dollar for every time I had to scoop bug guts out of one of my inventions, I would be a billionaire by now! I mean, I'm already a billionaire, but I'd be a double billionaire! How's that for an expression?!

Ah! How rude of me! I forgot to introduce myself! My name is Professor Nathaniel Coldheart, M. S. What does the M. S. stand for, you ask? It stands for Mad Scientist, of course! Although I'm more of a Mad Scientist, Dark Wizard, and All-Around Rotter if I do say so myself! That's what my card says, anyway! Here, you want one?

I'm getting off topic again. What was I talking about? Oh, yes. So I woke up at an unreasonable hour because I was dreaming about butterflies again. I didn't really have anything I needed to be up early for, so I decided to lay back down. Trying to get some more beauty sleep, if you know what I mean. Not that it would do much good. Have you seen this face?

Unfortunately, there were a few certain someones who wouldn't let that stand. A few certain fuzzy-wuzzy someones, I should say. I knew as soon as I heard the chorus of voices outside my window. They were singing that insipid song of theirs. The one that goes "shaaaaaring and caaaaaring" or something like that. I don't really remember. Don't know why they decided to show up outside my door, either. I got this castle in the Land Without Feelings because I didn't want solicitors, dammit! And they of all people should know better than to traverse the Land Without Feelings, what with their caring powers not working here!

"What's going on out here?!" I shouted as I leaned out the window.

The orange leader of the fuzzy-wuzzies, Tenderheart, I believe his name is, answered, "We're here to show you we care, Coldheart! We care about everyone, even those who don't care about us!"

Ohhh, that ground my gears. I felt my face turn from ice blue to beet red in a split second. They wanted to show me that they care?! Where were they when I really needed them?! When I was being beaten by my father?! Or when that poor little girl got kicked out on the streets?! They weren't! They didn't get to just put a band-aid over everything and tell me it was alright!

So as a thanks, I showed them just how much I cared. I pressed a button on a remote control I had next to my bed, and a cauldron of ice water emerged from the top of the spire where my bedroom was. I watched as a torrent of freezing water dropped like a waterfall and splashed the meddling interlopers on the ground below. "And don't you dare bring your warm feelings into my domain ever again!" I shouted, slamming the window shut.

So... yeah... not the best start to my day. Damn fuzzy-wuzzies... Never there when you really need them and always there when you can't stand to be around them. Like they really thought that this little gesture of theirs would be enough to erase all the years of torment I went through... years where they could have stepped in and helped, but never did.

Ugh. This is depressing. So depressing, in fact, that it gave me a bellyache. No chance I would ever get back to sleep now. I stood up and began to get ready for the day.

I have to admit, the shower did make me feel better. What really made me feel better, though, was my special tea that I make whenever I get a bellyache. It's got dark tea leaves and licorice and ginger in it. I've always loved licorice. Both the root and the candy. That and bitter chocolate. And peppermint.

I poured it over ice in my travel mug and sealed it shut. Everyone thinks that I use this mug to give little kids potions that turn them into kobolds. I find that ridiculous! Kobolds aren't transformed at all; they're born that way! As for me, I've only turned people into animals twice in my whole entire life! And it wasn't even to kids, it was to two adults who had it coming in the first place!

All of a sudden, I heard Frostbite come into the kitchen. "Oh, Frostbite! You're awake! You'll never believe what those fuzzy-wuzzies did to me this morning!"

"What'd they do, boss?" he always sounds so unperturbed. I could tell him that armageddon was upon us and he'd act like the worst that was going on was that I spilled my bolts and screws all over the floor again.

"They were singing that annoying song of their's right outside the castle! And the sun wasn't even up yet!"

"The sun never comes up around here."

"But don't you worry. I took care of those fuzzy-wuzzy freaks! And I'm pleased to tell you that my ice water trap works like a charm! That'll teach them not to bring their warm feelings around here anymore!" I started laughing.

Frostbite rolled his eyes at me. He does that a lot. "Yeah... whatever. Glad to see you're happy at least," he replied, fixing himself his own cup of tea.

I know I should have been angrier, but putting hypocritical snobs in their place always cheers me up. It's one of the many perks of being so nasty. Well, besides running over rude people in your Sharkmarine. And speaking of which, that gave me an idea!

I quickly finished my tea and made my way to the garage. Yes, we have a garage. That's where I keep all my inventions! Well, most of them, anyway. They're kinda here and there. Anyways, I was really interested in one in particular. The one called Sharkmarine. If you're curious, it's exactly what it sounds like. Part shark, part submarine, part tank. Pretty sweet ride, if you ask me. Wait 'till Vanilla gets her driver's licence. I'll build her one that looks like a pink orca!

Except... it didn't start right away. I banged on the console as the engine struggled to start. A few seconds later, the engine jolted to life and a pair of briefs were spat out the back. I know because I saw them when I made my way around the back. I picked them up and showed them to the kobolds working in the garage. "Alright, who put underwear in the Sharkmarine's engine?!"

The damned fools just pointed at one another like I was really gonna believe it. I cracked my knuckles. Next thing I knew, I was chasing them around the castle, about to beat some kobold ass. I was gonna throw them all in the river for this! Eventually, I wore out and stopped, shaking my fist at them. Ugh. Remind me to get some better minions one of these days.

Well, that didn't really work out. What next? As I went back downstairs, I noticed Vanilla in the front room. "Oh! Nillie Bean! I didn't see you earlier. How did you sleep?"

"I had the most wonderful dream last night."

"You did? Tell me more," I replied.

She went on to describe her dream to me. She was the warrior princess of a kingdom that was completely pink. She rode on a pink dragon into a kingdom of gray to stop the gray sorceror from taking over. To be honest, it sounded pretty revolting to me. But she's my girl, and if my girl's happy, then I'm happy.

"Hey, dad. Why were you chasing those kobolds earlier? Did something happen?"

"Oh, nothing serious, dear. They had just messed up another one of my inventions is all."

"Again? Wow, we really oughta get you some new minions one of these days."

See what I mean? We're even on the same wavelength! Don't think this means that you can date her, though! You lay one hand on her, and I'll freeze ya solid! Not that she would need my help, though. She takes no garbage from men. I remember when I was working with Doctor Fright and he wouldn't stop hassling her. She ended up kicking him straight out the window. That ugly Dracula ripoff won't forget that for a long time! Hopefully the next time he thought twice before throwing himself on another woman! HAH!

And then, I had another stroke of genius! I tend to have those a lot. I reached into my pocket and took out my little book of evil spells. I flipped through it before landing on the page I was looking for. Here it was! The devil mirror spell. When this spell was used on a mirror, it would enchant it so that the mirror only reflects the worst in people. Just imagine the chaos if those fuzzy-wuzzies were to gaze into it! It might put them off caring forever! NYAHAHAHA-

Okay, okay. I think I made my point. I thought a bit more. It would take a bit of engineering to construct the mirror so it wouldn't shatter or melt. That's what happened last time, and I've learned since then. I took out some paper and a pencil and started to draw the blueprint.

So, that's my life for ya! Got an amazing assistant, a beautiful daughter, and... admittedly not so smart minions... but overall, it's all good! At the very least, it's much better than where I used to be.

Don't you wish you had it?