Session 03: The Last Stretch to Blunderwatch

General Summary

Blunderwatch Incident Report

Filed by: Lieutenant Krell Skwaker

Date: 4/21/1732

Subject: Incident Involving Recruit Party and Sanctioned Training Exercise with Monsieur Cowl and the Lively Lads

 

Summary of Events:

  On the morning of the 15th of Woolarch, the New Recruit Party, led by Drenna (Union Guide), departed Pine Hollow to continue their journey to Blunderwatch to take their stations here. The party encountered several notable phenomena during their journey, including will-o’-wisp sightings and an interaction with an unknown forest entity capable of mimicking speech. This entity reportedly responded to their baffling attempt to "fish" with a rock tied to a rope, a tactic I assume stemmed from desperation, ignorance, or sheer whimsy.   The party’s observations in Pine Hollow are worth noting: the forest to the north of the Noon River does appear to grow at a markedly faster rate than it does southward. While the theory regarding the North Bridge acting as a faerie ward lacks scientific rigor, I find it plausible enough to merit further investigation. However, this report is primarily focused on the subsequent encounter between the recruits and the sanctioned bandit group known as Monsieur Cowl and the Lively Lads, as per Captain Flannigan’s ill-advised “Experience Building Exercise.”  

The Encounter:

  Monsieur Cowl and his associates were stationed along the northern road under Captain Flannigan’s direct orders. Armed with their newly issued Thug Licenses, this group of former bandits was tasked with ambushing the recruits in a controlled, non-lethal engagement to test the recruits' adaptability under pressure. The Lively Lads followed all procedural requirements, including presenting their Thug License and declaring their intentions before combat.  

However, the situation deteriorated rapidly due to:

 

Drenna’s Failure to Adequately Brief the Recruits:

Drenna admitted in her report that she did not sufficiently explain the nature of the exercise to the recruits, leading to heightened suspicion and aggression on their part.  

Derrick’s Unprovoked Attack:

Despite Monsieur Cowl’s efforts to explain the legality of their actions, Derrick immediately escalated the encounter by launching a preemptive attack. His actions struck a decisive blow to Monsieur Cowl, who later reported second-guessing the supposed “inexperience” of this group.  

Skreet’s Lethal Error:

Skreet, claiming to aim for non-lethal damage, delivered a blow so devastating to Paul (one of the Lively Lads) that it resulted in his immediate death. Skreet has since suggested Paul had a “heart condition,” an argument that is both implausible and insulting.   The remaining Lively Lads fled the scene and reported the incident to Blunderwatch.  

Conflicting Accounts:

  The official reports submitted by the involved parties highlight several discrepancies:  

• Monsieur Cowl and the Lively Lads adhered to all Union guidelines for sanctioned engagements, including verifying consent to combat. Their report is consistent and well-documented.
  
• Derrick cited Union handbook clauses regarding harassment and testing consent, though this does not excuse his unilateral escalation.


• Skreet maintained that his actions were made entirely with non-lethal intent, despite the lethal outcome and seeming lack of remorse.


• Nesa claimed that “no blood was drawn,” as if this somehow negates the fatality of the strike.


• Drenna accepted partial responsibility for failing to adequately prepare the recruits for the encounter, a rare display of accountability in this farce.

Outcome:

  Paul’s resurrection was successful, though he now exhibits peculiar behaviors, including fear of “ghost mice” and an urge to climb furniture. While this has restored him to active status, it does not absolve the recruits of their actions. In my professional opinion, the party should face disciplinary measures for their blatant disregard for Union protocol and the unnecessary escalation of violence.   However, Captain Flannigan, in his infinite wisdom (or lack thereof), elected to pardon the recruits entirely, invoking the Blunderwatch motto: “To Blunder is Union.” He then diverted their attention to locating his “stolen” mustache, which, I suspect, is merely his enchanted mustache comb misplaced during one of his frequent moments of theatrical ineptitude.  

Recommendations:

 

Immediate Suspension of Thug License Program:

The program, while theoretically beneficial for controlled training, has proven to be a disaster in practice.  

Disciplinary Action Against the Recruits:

Allowing this incident to pass without consequence sets a dangerous precedent. While the Captain has issued a pardon, I recommend mandatory retraining for all involved.  

Further Investigation of the North Bridge Faerie Pact:

The recruits’ observations regarding the forest’s growth patterns and supernatural activity warrant a closer examination, ideally by a competent team.  

Final Notes:

  Incidents like this highlight the profound incompetence and recklessness that pervade Blunderwatch under Captain Flannigan’s leadership. While I will, as always, endeavor to maintain order in this circus of fools, I cannot help but wonder how long we can continue to stumble forward before the consequences catch up with us.  

Respectfully submitted,

Lieutenant Krell Softscale

---