Session 11: Cheese Harvest Report

General Summary

UNION OF ADVENTURERS – FIELD REPORT

DATE: 3rd of Trinkune, Year 1732 of the Union Calendar
LOCATION: Pine Hollow, Enchantland
REPORTING OFFICER: Ulfgar Halfhand, Retired Adventurer, Pine Hollow

 

To Whom It May Concern at the Department of Adventurer Oversight, Paperwork, and Cheese Regulation,

  As per my requirements for Union reactivation (Class R - Retiree Auxiliary Escort), I submit herein the official account of recent happenings during escort duty from Pine Hollow to Blunderwatch. My companions: a second rank team of active Union initiates (the Treblemakers), two licensed couriers, and fellow retirees of varying mental clarity and flatulence.  

1. Fastpass Misuse and Minor Fey Hostilities

Couriers utilized a magical item called Fastpass, trimming two days off our travel but enraging a small population of Brownies who, apparently, rely on poorly maintained roads for sustenance, self-worth, or religion. Tutter, the Brownie forman and some sort of self-appointed road interpreter or wandering lunatic (jury's out), insisted the adventurers apologize to the road — yes, the road — by adopting a rock.   When that failed, we were informed an apology dance or song would suffice. Several adventurers refused on moral or rhythmical grounds. Tutter offered a final option: reveal a personal secret to the road. Initiate Derrick, already vexed, vanished via Misty Step mid-negotiation.   This allegedly offended the road deeply.   Tutter hired Red Caps — eight of them — for a lesson in “consequences.” A bloody melee ensued when they stopped us on the road. All red caps slain. Treblemaker Tich Tich scavenged their iron shoes and a functional sending stone (pending evaluation by the Blunderwatch Warehouse).  

2. Return to Blunderwatch & Personnel Update

Arrival in Blunderwatch was... suspiciously normal. No fires, no screaming, no frogs raining from the sky. Naturally, this immediately put me on edge.   Tich Tich offloaded courier goods at the warehouse. Former warehouse guard Theo was replaced by De-Von, an overenthusiastic half-orc of questionable security awareness. Claimed Theo was "promoted," though details were vague. Courier supervisor Jorvin confirmed damaged goods had already been reordered, possibly before their arrival. Investigation pending.  

3. Emergency Briefing at the Keep

Captain Biff Flannigan greeted the returnees with signature bravado, and second-in-command Lieutenant Krell provided the customary moral anchor. They immediately conscripted the Treblemakers into a covert operation investigating a “conspiracy.”   What conspiracy, you ask?   Exactly.   Captain Biff’s evidence chain is as follows:

• Retiree Maggie spoke to Rollo.
• Rollo suspects “the Lively Lads” of something.
• Odd messages received from the Treblemakers via sending (it appears their previous sending stone was in fact, broken).
• Jarv, the enthusiastic Kobold (or liability, depending who you ask), says the lads “sleep weird.”
• Theo has been seen talking to Reuben Cowl.

  Result: Theo was arrested.
Effect: Lively Lads disappeared.   Krell believes they’re hiding somewhere in town. Biff wants them caught before Union officials arrive for their inspection. Krell wants actual evidence of a crime. The party agreed to help uncover the truth — likely involving bears, fairies, or even the possibility they've been turned to cheese (more explanation on this to follow). Biff dismissed these ideas as nonsense, asserting that it’s “definitely something sinister beyond our imagination.”  

4. Domestic Reacclimatization

The Treblemakers returned to private lodgings, while we retirees have been conscripted to help keep an eye on the prisoner, Theo. Hee Haw (Tich Tich’s donkey, or extremely hairy roommate) was safe and reportedly well-fed. Merrit at the Administration Office left a detailed invoice for Hee Haw’s care (extortionate).   Initiate Derrick prepared a reunion meal (unusual do to the rotten state of their pantry on arrival home). Josie and Nesa visited the tavern to check the quest board and stir up gossip. Nesa also hoped for a celebration of their return, for Tich Tich of course.  

5. Cheese Harvest: Classification “Mystifying”

At the tavern, Jarv approached Nesa claiming there was a cheese harvest happening in the bog west of town. Yes, cheese — not mushrooms, not frogs, but actual rare cheeses, floating like dairy buoys in the mire.   Despite every instinct screaming otherwise, the Treblemakers accompanied Jarv to the bog. To everyone's eternal disbelief, the swamp was indeed filled with artisanal cheese: aged blues, peppered brie, perhaps even a whisper of camembert. All inexplicably fresh and unguarded.   The party collected samples, secured the rest, and postponed consumption pending further investigation. Questions arose as to where the cheese could have come from, and whether the cheeses were in fact the Lively Lads, although that has been yet to be determined. No signs of magical cheese beasts (yet), though I remain ever watchful.  

Conclusion & Recommendations

Redcap Incident: Classify as minor fey engagement. No Union casualties. Request a formal apology from the Brownies be sent via safe channels.   Theo’s Arrest: Recommend immediate internal review. No probable cause beyond gossip and poor bedtime habits.   Missing Lads: Ongoing. Likely tied to cheese events or other arcane phenomena.   Cheese Bog: Magical anomaly or divine dairy miracle. Strongly recommend summoning an auditor from the Culinary Division.   Jarv: Needs supervision, and possibly a chaperone.

  Filed in Good Faith, and Moderate Joint Pain,
Ulfgar Halfhand
Paladin of the Order of Oath (ret.),