21.3 Where the River Takes You

General Summary

Day 312

Nina returns home, stomping her boots and shaking snow off of her cloak. She barrels into me and Hella, enfolding us both in an enormous hug. She looks tired and more grown-up than when we last saw her, which is to be expected.   She, Hella, and Void disappear into the kitchen to prepare dinner (with Mystery calling after him that there are humans here and he should be cautious with his cooking). Mystery disappears as well to go for a walk and clear her head, leaving me, Bran, and Caravel together to discuss...matters.   Caravel suggests trying to break through the Barrier in order to send Mystery home but I dismiss the idea. Mistress and Doraal are both still leading armies, not exactly material for a happy family reunion. But more than that I think that shattering the Barrier, even just enough for two people, would be an enormous amount of change to enact for something so uncertain. I think she's better off staying here with us and we can broach the subject of reintroducing her to our family when we are all together again. I'd like the chance to get to know Mystery before I send her to Mistress and Doraal to take her place in our family.   Bran tells me that the city's defenders have started referring to Nina as 'the Saint' because she is leading the defence, healing the wounded, and hasn't lost anyone yet. I'm proud of her for such a long-standing record but it is bound to happen eventually and the longer she holds it off the more it will hurt when it happens. I'll speak with her about that, I think. He also asks me to talk to Spindle. The master bladesmith has been making sorely needed armour and utility items that he enjoys about as much as Bran enjoys horseshoes.   I have a project for him that I think he'll appreciate.   Dinner is wonderfully warm and spicy, thanks to Void. I see him sprinkling a few more spices on his own dish and I sympathize. This is the most flavourful food I've had in all the time I've been here and I can't imagine it's any better for him.   I retire to my room fairly early to gather my thoughts and after a few hours Mystery knocks on my door, a six-pack of beer in her hands. It's midnight, and I'm instantly transported back to my Academy days and how much early-century angst was processed in my cozy apartment like this. We sit on my bed drinking and talking late into the night.   Far to the South, past the Great Dwarven Lakes, there's a massive river flowing from the East out to the sea. If you follow it upstream you will find it inhabited by the Tagali people (a small race of otterlike people). Their primary settlement is near the headwaters of the river and they believe that you can only travel the river in one direction. You can swim sideways or leave the river to pursue something interesting but you cannot swim back upstream.  

Their whole life is the river. No past, no future, just today and where the river takes you.

  Tagali who live in the upstream village might launch themselves into the river for the first time when they come of age and feel ready to leave and explore life downstream, or they might do so after having children and raising a family. Whenever it happens, they never return.   Mystery and Void spent a long time amongst the Tagali and she tells me it's where she's felt the most comfortable. Anywhere else she finds her actions crumbling into dust - preventing an attack only to have the village destroyed by something else instead, saving someone's life only for them to succumb to a plague regardless. In some places she and Void have become known as the Shadow of Destruction (I choke on my beer a little at this - it sounds like a face name for a deeply troubled early-century youngster...and I don't know if it's better or worse than 'the Saint').   And now that she knows more about her curse she's afraid to try and stay entwined with me and what I'm doing. She doesn't want to destroy what I'm working towards. This is silly, I tell her. She is part of what I'm working towards. I think she's not quite able to hear and accept this just yet.   After her second drink she asks me some questions.

1. Did you die when you got your memories back?
2. Were you the same person you were before when you got them back?

The phrasing of this first question catches me off guard. Of course I didn't die. And in another sense...no, I didn't die. The person I grew into without the memories is a living extension of who I was before I lost them. Or rather, before I severed the warmth of myself from the ruthlessness. I tell her this as well. It's an important part of my story.   And the person I became isn't quite the same as the person I was before but we would recognize each other. It's not foreign.   Over her third drink she reflects on how clearly Caravel and I love the people she reminds us of. She tells me my eyes shine when I talk about Mistress.   "If that's the life I had, how weak was I to let that be taken from me?" she asks bitterly.   And so she gets the full story of how I crossed the Barrier. How stupid I felt when I was getting flickers of memories suggesting that I had taken away my own memories. What a hare-brained scheme it was for me to lock myself away in order to come here and try to rebuild myself. And how it actually worked. Neither of us knows how or why she got here and it's not fair to judge her as though it was her own weakness that did this. What an unkind way to think.   She relaxes a bit, thankfully, and we talk a little bit about the Witch Queen. Apparently the two of them have met and Mystery does not think highly of her. She asked Mystery to stay with her but wisely, she refused. She doesn't even have the ability to build things but she knows not to build on bitterness, hate, and loss.  

If she's breathing she's lying. If she's not breathing, check. That might be a lie too.

    And as she finished her last drink I ask her to do me a favour. If it ever seems that her presence is jeopardizing things that are more important to me she must trust that I am the commander here and I can make my own judgment on such a matter. She agrees.   I feel like she is a small uncaptained vessel at the mercy of the sea. From my enormous, many-sailed galleon I'm hurling ropes towards her and hoping one of them lands. I think I've got her. I think I'll have the chance to get to know her before she disappears or tries to leave.