52.2 Both Bigger and Smaller

General Summary

Days 1053 - 1057

With Cereus back in proximity and plans to go see Jaeril next, I slip into Harmony once again to visit the Heart and hold her to her commitment of releasing these leaves that the Treeborn seem so moved by.  

You’re very different this time

  Naturally, I am different. I am midnight now, and I am a dragon, but the Heart seems to see other things as well. She asks what kind of answer I want when I ask what she sees - what she observes about my future? My present? She does not want to influence me.   At this point, I think I would not be influenced by whatever she sees. I would be more influenced by my family than her, and whatever information she can give me will be useful rather than costly.   She tells me that the barriers between my magic are waning and she knows that I am consciously working towards that. She does think I am a dragon, just as I am an elf and a fae. But over time, those lines might blur and then what will I be? When the lines disappear, what is the essence of what I will become.   A person, surely. But that is not something I will worry about for a very long time. She thinks I will have the time to figure it out, which is not something all of her children had.   Privately, I think this is not a terribly difficult question, but it is not something I want to talk to her about. I have named myself three times; I am not confused about the essence of what I am.   But I am here on business, so I return Phalieae’s leaf to the Heart, and tell her that Temira is dead. She thanks me for the message and admits that it doesn’t make sense for me to continue playing messenger for her. Instead, she has developed a magic to guide another person into Harmony if we are near an origin tree. It may even be possible to start in the Dreaming, if only we had a powerful magic relic that could enhance dream magic. I’m sure Liliales will be interested in seeing how the Dream Spike interacts with this.   The next night, we bring Cereus back to his cavern in the Dreaming (he is undisturbed by the enormous cave we created to house my dragon form) and magically slingshot him into Harmony using the Dream Spike. Whatever he and the Heart discuss, I couldn’t say. I’m very pleased that it is none of my business anymore.   From here to Samsara is a day’s flight if we really push, which we don’t. It takes us a few leisurely days to come to an unrecognizable Samsara. The enormous stump has been replaced by a small grove tree, and every single stump in the old grove has broken down into loamy soil that feeds a smaller tree. The entire grove is undergoing a cycle of rebirth. Ausha and I are hugging each other and laughing as it comes into view and Jaeril comes careening out of the Grove to meet us.   She crashes into us and we are all aflutter with wings and happiness to be reunited. When Jaeril pulls back to take a good look at Ausha, she is positively glowing.  

They’re your trees too!

  The whole circus sets up camp amidst the small trees - we’re up to twenty four people and that does not even include Cousin Soo’s retinue.   Once the bustle has died down and we are all preparing for a meal together, Ausha and I take some time apart from the rest to sit and look over the ocean together. The endless horizon makes both of us feel small in different ways - I can sense all of the open doors ahead of us and am itching to walk through them. Ausha feels like her life is finally being put back together and she’s ready to rest.   It’s hard hearing it. She’s not exhausted, but she does want to settle down in Dreamfall or somewhere else for a year or three. Between giving up memories of her Imperial past, adjusting to being an elf and within my family, recovering Magdalena and becoming a fae, she’s been through a lot. I understand why she’s ready to rest.  

Ausha…we’re at war.

  And the two of us are tied together…one can’t rest without the other.  

I know. So we need to end it.

  She thinks we have likely all outgrown the Collective, as military opponents. And perhaps we have, but I don’t think we have outgrown them as a magical problem. Untangling them from the Ingans, and from each other…that is a much greater problem.   But if we are working on the Barrier anyway, she thinks maybe we could put up a Barrier around the Collective for a hundred years while we work on figuring out how to deal with their magical mess. It would give us time at least, and we could take a much more active role in monitoring the Barrier than anyone has taken with the existing one.   But this is a bandage solution; the idea of resting at all is not something that calls to me right now. I don’t want to settle down for a few years - I want to fly to the mountains and meet other dragons; I want to find the groves in the Empire; I want to see the Northern continent.   Ausha thinks that lately the changes may be weighing on her more than me - my world is getting bigger and smaller at the same time. Even as I form a connection with dragons, I also become someone who can travel vast distances in a single day. As I have become fae, I become someone who can touch all cycles. As I have become the Imperator, I’ve also developed the connections with people who are my peers. Ausha has been doing the growing without the shrinking.   As we reflect together, we realize that Ausha and I have been so tied together and she has inherited most of my people. Maybe ‘resting’ really means just standing still and giving her a chance to be herself and stand alone for a bit. Or push her to gather up her own people as we travel.   And much like we theorized about Kadia and Hella, we’re coming to accept that we do need our own bodies more consistently. We can’t always stay in the same place - not for as long as we are going to live.