42.1 Younger Than Ever

General Summary

Day 687

The party winds down by about 2 in the morning, at which point even I am starting to feel tired. Liliales, too, is fading and losing his hosting stamina. Fortunately, Qishali and Ausha are quite adept at ushering the festive partygoers out the door so we can rest.   Before sleep, I hear back from Bran about where they are and how Mireen could find them. Their reactions to my sending ‘another fate bird woman’ to them is mixed, and very amusing.  

Day 688

I wake up having missed breakfast, though lunch is waiting for me. Little Five is also waiting, with a small collection of spirit folk, to travel with Detoura up to Clearwater City. Detoura offers his heartfelt thanks again and departs, making haste to find Cantha. Clearly, he was waiting to say his goodbyes to me.   Mireen, too, has been awkwardly waiting for me with her goose attendant. Before I point them towards the Fatespinning contingent of the family, I inquire about the relationship they share.   The attendant’s name is Sehla, and they have been together for quite some time. She is unfailingly steadfast, calm, and unrufflable, which she tells me is part of her duty. I point out that this is somewhat cultural - amongst my people it is not the role of an advisor to remain calm and unflappable at all times.  

An attendant does many things, whether it be hands, ears, or counsel sometimes. My job is to keep waters smooth, not roil them up.

  I have to smile at this. It reminds me of an Osyr saying that I have remembered hearing.  

Calm seas make poor sailors.

  Sehla nods at this - her people say something similar.  

Flowers raised in greenhouses can’t survive winter.

  And she acknowledges that Mireen cannot afford to be a flower in a greenhouse. But she persists in her belief that her role as an attendant is to be supportive and helpful, never to push Mireen or make her feel like the world is against her. Mireen reminds me that swans like her are hunted and enslaved, that she has enough hardship already.   But both of them seem fixated on external threats, while my focus is on the threat of internal conflict and lack of self-knowledge. I point out that my confidantes and attendants are the people I can rely on to always be on my side, even as they tell me I’m wrong or that I’m being foolish. The burden of leadership and power is impossible to bear without such people at my back.   Sehla remarks that perhaps she will have to learn from Bran as well, if he is one of my confidantes.   After they leave, Liliales comes to hear what happened. I was surprised to hear about what he had said to her and how cruel his words had been, but from his perspective, her use of magic is selfish because it only seems to work when she produces her own good luck. Her luck seems to create bad luck for everything around her and she is oblivious to it.   I remind him of what Skyen told us about her people and how they are hunted and controlled by others. He admits that he was angry and frustrated with her for constantly poking things the wrong way. For all the years he spent experiencing new things, he still seems so young.  

It would be easier to be nice if she would stop throwing herself at me and insisting that I’m the only person she could marry.

  I laugh at this and tell him that I sent her to Yneir to learn some things. He says he’ll apologize to her when she rejoins us and perhaps try to maintain the distance without the hostility.   It’s so curious that he is so disturbed by Mireen in particular, given how many other young ladies have been flirting with him since long before we came South. Even at the banquet there many people intent on flirting with Liliales and entangling him in their families by way of gifting him women as wives or concubines. This part, I understand being so disturbed by. Despite wanting to be open to the culture of all the places we travel, some things seem like they will never fit with how I was raised and how the Empire operates.   For a moment it’s like he’s younger than he’s ever been, talking about what he might have had with Zehi and how confusing it is to have people cling to him so eagerly. All the women that people are throwing at him don’t seem to even give him a chance to be a person - they’re only attracted to his power and position.   I’ve only rarely had such experiences…in school, it was very clear that I was in a league of my own and hardly anyone dared to approach me romantically. The few who did were so clearly outclassed and full of themselves that I felt no obligation to be kind in dismissing them.   But these people are different - so I remind him to be kind to people who are clingy and infatuated (even though they’re objectifying him) because he knows more and should be the bigger person. It’s not a fun lesson, but it’s one I hope he heeds.   As we prepare to depart ourselves, Magdalena remarks that the River will be different from this point onwards and we will have the opportunity to see more energy. The water here has had uninterrupted flow from the other source springs. Boat traffic grows and we also start seeing people swimming in the water - mostly otters but other folks as well. Occasionally a crocodile emerges and scatters the other spirit folk.  

Days 689 - 671

We enjoy three days of routine travel, during which time Qishali and Ausha seem to get along very well.   One night, Ausha tells me about why she’s so drawn to the green lightning spirit.   Qishali’s innate state is spirit/energy…so does Ausha actually need a physical self? It makes me happy to hear that she doesn’t want to give up being an elf, but it would make us both more resilient to harm if she didn’t need to rely on my physical body for strength. The way Liliales and Qishali have formed their pact could be a good base for us as well.   ight now our connection is so strong that if something happened to her, I might die as well. Using a spirit pact, maybe we could have all of the benefits but none of the risks. But what she says about our own bond surprises me a little.  

I was never this close with my siblings.

  Kaide, The Empress, grieved the loss of her siblings, but Ausha woke up and the entire world had changed. She hasn’t poked the grief because it’s been easier to focus on what she has now…but she had two little brothers and a little sister. She was so much older than them that they were still children when Magdalena took her away so the relationship they had was always very different than what it might have been if they were closer in age, like us. I have to laugh again - she is thousands of years older than me. But still, a similar stage of life.   Together, we reminisce somewhat about what Magdalena might have intended when she ordered the shard of Kaide to keep me safe. Ausha wonders now if our teacher knew that this sort of relationship might develop. Maybe she was giving Ausha a mission so that she didn’t realize she was being tied to someone who would help her heal. I’m not so sure that Magdalena-at-the-time knew enough to be emotionally manipulative in such a positive way, but it would not surprise me at all of she saw a part of herself in Ausha and and a part of Jaeril in me. Naturally, the two of us fit together.  

Days 671 - 673

We have another three days of routine travel and see another increase in the spiritual energy as our branch of the river joins with another tributary. The water is speckled with plants and flowers that people are harvesting from their boats. Pure spirits also speckle the water - both fish and flowers who scatter when approached.